Uncle Dick's Guide to Mail Order Heaven

In a break from the usual Monday night fare, I thought I’d review some of the purchases I’ve recently made from the catalogues that fall out of the Sunday papers. As you probably know, I’m a man who enjoys a bargain and I think these are some of the best bargains to be had in the retail sector. Just don’t proceed any further if you don't have the money to invest in the very best in high-end luxury goods.

What I most admire about the Polar Fleece Poncho is how it marries two different geographic themes in one stylish item. Not only is it the clothing of choice for your Antarctic or Arctic adventures, it will keep you looking trendy in South America, possibly Bolivia. And it now comes with a bonus continent, Australia, in the form of a pocket to keep your kangaroo safe. Is there anything the Polar Fleece Poncho can't do?

Many hours have been spent in the Madeley household looking for the perfect ornament for the coffee table but both Judy and I have finally agreed that this is so 'us'. But please take note: this is not a practical poker set. You can’t get many people around this table. We tried and four was a bit of a squeeze.

In some countries, this might be a source of amusement. But not here in the UK where every home has at least a two pump action shotguns. I would go so far as to say it's a necessity when you need to keep a scoped sniper rifle with silencer out of the reach of the children. Judy swears by it, as she also swears by her scoped sniper rifle with silencer.

This handy gun rack also comes with a 'full length drawer' for all your 'odds and sods'. We just use the drawer for unused ammunition, though it is big enough to hold some small anti-personnel mines if needed.

We must be thankful that the inventor of this great product looked at a blanket and thought: that blanket needs sleeves. Nothing now says comfort quite like a blanket with sleeves. Simply put: it's a design classic. Just think of the many things in life that could do with extra sleeves. I know I wait for the day when I can buy myself a good pair of sleeves that come with their own sleeves.

And what's amazing is that this blanket with sleeves fits all sizes! What an amazing bit of kit!

The next item caught my eye because, as you know, I'm one of the UK's biggest collectors of object d'art. When next you come around to visit, you must have a look at my equisite Victorian figurines, marble statues, modernist pottery, and my miniature samurai sword letter openers.

Please note the justified warning. These letter openers really are miniature samurai swords and are lethal in the hands of miniature samurai.

I often wake up in the morning and cringe because of my painful wrist. Thankfully, since I bought this wrist support, I can refer to the helpful arrow that quickly show me where it hurts.

Don’t let the description fool you. This long reach toilet paper holder has a thousand uses. Whatever the hard to reach place: this handle is sure to reach it. Just think of it as a back scratcher that can go the extra six inches.

Another design classic. The fur trim is a inspired touch but the eye is drawn to the central motif on this beautifully crafted seat cover. Created by one of the UK's most 'talented' artists, it is a stunning lifelike representation of a cross-eyed dog.


This catalogue is clearly aimed at the armed robber with the perfect kit to keep his gun clean. Don't forget to look down the barrel as you polish the trigger.

I've been into amateur butter cutting for many years but I see this as the opportunity to move into the big league. Some might say I'm arrogant but I think I'm ready to cut butter professionally. Why not join me?

We once to have a dog that was into 'self warming' but we had to get rid of it because it was making a mess of my trousers. Now Judy just keeps terrapins. However, now we’ve got this thermal mattress, we can keep her terrapins warm all day long without resorting to the Defrost setting on the microwave.

Finally, do you need ask what drew me to the Invisible Sheep Urinal? Having been plagued by invisible sheep for many years, I was delighted to find that somebody was finally addressing the bladder-control issues they cause. You have to hand it to the inventors. It 'allows full social, business, and sporting activities'. Personally, there's nothing that gives me more satisfaction than relieving myself during a business meeting or when I’m on the golf course with friends. If only I'd had one of these when I was dating! Nothing is bound to impress a woman than a man who takes his bladder so seriously that he has one strapped to his leg.

However, if I have one concern, it's that bit about it being 'virtually undetectable'. Surely that means it's detectable and I'm not sure if I could allow myself to relax at some semi-formal engagement, perhaps an awards ceremony, knowing that any invisible sheep could tell that I was passing water. It's most off-putting. I doubt if I could 'go' under those circumstances. Even if it was only the BAFTAs.