Friday, 30 November 2012

Stan Madeley on the Radio...

And hello Stan Madelyites! What that fool, Uncle Dick, failed to remember was that I, Stan Madeley, still know Dick's password to access this blog and I can now clarify a few points erroneously made by my namesake and nemesis.

I am indeed appearing on Radio 4 tomorrow morning between 9 and 10 but the decision not to appear with Dick was made entirely by myself with encouragement from my wife, Sandra (54), who, she would like it made known, invented the whole fish through the letterbox ploy, as well as any ploy involving an iron perched perilously on a bedroom door, a wheelbarrow down the stairs, or hot fiery pins in the y-fronts.

The wonderfully spry, witty, and double-jointed J.P. Devlin did indeed join me on my tour of North West working men’s clubs yesterday and we met up in Warrington where I was playing the Parr Hall with my new four-piece cabaret jazz band/thrash metal combo, Halitosis Jones, named after our bassoonist who can be sure to clear out the front four rows before we’ve finished opening with ‘In The Mood’.

Listen in as I set a few things straight such as why I am entirely correct in my accusation that lapdancers tattoos make them squeak more on their poles, why coal should be reclassified as a root vegetable, and I explain how I’d solve Greek debt in three easy steps beginning with hostage taking, a weekend in Vegas, and putting everything on red.

Uncle Dick on the Radio

Aftenoon Madeleyites! Uncle Dick here with your mid-afternoon media update.

I’ll be on Radio 4 tomorrow morning with that blithering idiot Stan Madeley. I know I once said that I’d never appear on the same bill as the man whose lookalike career once led me to be chased through the streets of Soho by an angry mob of lapdancers but I think it’s time that we made peace. As you might know, Judy is trying to break into the lookalike market with her new Judy Garland act and, with Stan’s contacts in the business, we hope she’ll be singing ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’ in working men’s clubs across Stockport as early as the New Year.

Of course, that doesn’t invalidate anything that I’ve previous said about Stan. Between you and me, the man is still a bald buffoon but it’s his first radio interview and I’ll be interested to hear what he has to say about pretending to be me on a semi-professional basis. I’ll be getting there bright and early ahead of broadcast, with the interview scheduled for somewhere between 9 and 10AM.

I’m told that Stan has already recorded his part of the interview. I’ll share the bill with him but I’ll be damned if I’m going to be in the same room as the man. There was a time when I trusted Stan enough to run this blog in my absence but he made such a terrible mess of things (including the insulting remarks he made about lapdancers and their tattoos) that our animosity became deep, terrible, tragic, and occasionally involving one of us slipping fish through the other’s letterbox, though that was mainly Judy’s idea.

So there you have it. Listen in or don’t. Just so you know: I’ll be conducting the entire interview wearing my bottomless cowboy chaps and Movember moustache which runs from my nostrils to my armpits after looping twice around my chin. Among the many topics I hope to cover are: how to build a wigwam, Scandinavian otter conservation, and the state of the English horseradish in a word gone pickle crazy.