Richard Madeley's Lament on Departing Channel 4

Judy says that she's getting a bit worried that I’m slowly turning into Richard Stilgoe. She claims that these lyrical masterpieces will only end in tears, or if not tears, then with my becoming the regular musical guest on some Radio 3 light entertainment show. I’ve given her instructions to fend Andrew Lloyd Weber off with any means possible if she sees him approaching me for witty lyrics. However, I couldn’t mark the announcement of our departure from Channel 4 without penning a suitable verse.

Stephen Fry might refuse to publish his poetry but I have no shame. You may mock my poetry, you may laugh at its crude construction, but you can’t deny that it has words and truth. Lots of words and oodles of truth. And some of it even rhymes.

Richard Madeley’s Lament on Departing Channel 4

So long Channel 4, it was fun while it lasted.
But now wee Raj is crying, and Judy’s plastered.
Channel 4, you are fools, if you really cannot see
That you’ve lost the very best of people, in Judy and me.
I suppose you’ll now fill our old teatime slot
With Polish animations and films about Pol Pot,
Dozens of programmes aimed at Afghan refugees,
And men with overgrown nostrils and girls with hairy knees.
You never gave me chance, so I couldn’t really shine,
With my tap-dancing strippers show, for viewing after nine.
I could have been more arty, as edgy as the rest,
Smeared yoghurt over Judy whilst wearing an old string vest.
I could have danced on rollerskates, done a funny little mime,
Or made films on mermaids with Judy naked in the Tyne.
Why didn’t you cancel Hollyoaks and do us all a favour?
Don’t you know it’s twice as bad as that god awful Neighbours?
And do you think you can replace us, with that bloody Lilly Savage?
Don’t you know it’s a man? And he’s not got Judy’s cleavage!

© Richard Madeley, 2007

Official Statement by Richard Madeley

The news that we’re giving up our afternoon slot on Channel 4 should come as no surprise to the three of you who’ve been reading this blog regularly. This is the official statement I’ll be shortly releasing to the media.

In the last few months, the direction in which both Judy and I had hoped to take our show has become increasingly at odds with Channel 4’s attempts to make us more culturally diverse. We attended a meeting last week at Channel 4 headquarters at which we were asked if we would speak Polish for 10% of the show. Judy refused. Then they asked me if I could ‘smile more’ the female viewers and ‘leave an extra shirt button undone’ for the 57% of our audience who are male and gay. I also refused. The breaking point came with their attempts to force us to have a regular feature dealing with mental heath issues for nanuses. Channel 4 wanted to call it ‘Little People’s Mind Dell’. I wanted to call it ‘Mental Midget’s Corner’. We were at loggerheads and I’m afraid at that point it was obvious that we would have to leave Channel 4.

What does this mean for Richard&Judy? Judy will be releasing her own statement shortly, though she has been saying for some time that she wants to spend more time in the garden. I support her in her decision, so long as she doesn’t expect me to weed the shrubbery. I intend to carry on with my own projects. I have some excellent opportunities coming up on the satellite channels and I’m particularly looking forward to narrating a ‘A Brief History of Bicycle Pumps’ for the Discovery Channel in December. I will then be travelling to Humberside to look at the creative uses they’re found for scrap pig iron. ‘Richard Madeley in Humberside Looking At The Creative Uses For Scrap Pig Iron’ will be shown on UK Gold in the New Year. I’ve also had offers to host shows for UKTV, The Biography Channel, and Bits and Babes UK.

I ask that nobody shed a tear for Richard&Judy. This is the beginning of a new adventure. We hope to see you all soon, and, speaking for myself, hope you will all come over to Channel 643 next Tuesday evening, where I’ll be demonstrating Ronco’s new 'Fuzztastic Hair Curlers' on Shop Vector+.