The Wisdom of Wynette

I had step in a stop a fight between wives Eight and Fourteen and received a black eye in the process. It wouldn’t have been too bad if it had happened back at the hotel but it occurred at the check-out desk at Salt Lake’s airport. Judy was a model of calm and, as any Wife Number One should, she gave me every encouragement as I dragged Eight off the still kicking figure of Fourteen. I thought I had it sorted out but then the American airport police got involved. Hearing my accent and seeing the colour of my tan, I suppose they immediately thought ‘Saudi’ and had me pinned to the deck. It was a mistake. It set all fourteen of my wives off and what followed is said to have been the biggest riot in Salt Lake history,

The upshot of this is that we’re still in Utah, with half of my wives facing trial and me stuck with their legal bill. In a quiet few moments, Judy took me aside, popped a Tammy Wynette tape into the player, and politely suggested that fourteen wives might be thirteen too many. I’m beginning to see her point. This afternoon, I’m going to hire the best legal team that Channel 4 can afford and see what can be done about divorcing the lot.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Tammy not only knew how to spell it but she sang song about it too. All I know is it can be a painful business when you’ve one wife but insufferable with fourteen. Did you know that polygamy explains the odd statistic that suggests that more men get divorced each year than get married? A failed marriage has been proved to be the top reason why men grow mustaches and that 75% of men with facial hair are divorced. Divorcees are also three times more likely to go to Yoga classes, which explains why they are the most flexible sector of the American keep fit market.

Richard & Judy's Great American Adventure Part 2

Despite my best laid plans, we’re still in Salt Lake City on account of my nine wives (yes, I’ve married a few more fine Utah women since yesterday) who can’t agree on what to pack for the rest of the holiday. I’m beginning to see the down side to this polygamy, one being the number of hotel rooms I’ve been trying to book at our next stop out in California. Angela (she’s my eighth wife) mentioned that she has relatives out there so we’re going to see if they have room for us but it might be the case that I’ll have to spend the rest of my holiday with wives spread out all about all over the city. As for Judy (you might remember her as my first wife, though I’m already finding it terribly easy to lose her in the crush), she’s coping quite well and I think she’s enjoying having some other women to chat to about my many (supposed) deficiencies.

Oh, now wife number four is calling me. That’s either Kerry or Tabitha. But before I go, I have more Utah facts for you. Did you know that Utah is owned by the Osmonds? They’re big in the local council and each have special responsibilities. Donny is in charge of local sanitation department and we’ve already spotted him climbing out of the drains. Marie runs the police, we I discovered when she pulled us over this morning in her role as deputy sheriff. She wanted to be sure our marriage licenses were in order which, in this country, you have to carry with you at all times. Anybody found without a valid marriage license will be escorted to the local church and issued with one, whether they have a wife or not. Finally, did you know that Utah sits on the largest natural deposit of salt in the world, yet the locals boast of having the lowest blood pressure in the whole of the United States?