Sunday, 2 August 2009

Uncle Dick's Guide To Love, Relationships, and Power Tools

A reader writes:

Dear Uncle Dick,

I'm kind of tired of relying on the Tarot, so can you sort out my love life for me please?!

Yours, in anticipation...

A x

Dear Ax,

I would be delighted to advise you in regard to your love life, especially since I too fell afoul of the Tarot at an early age. I remember when I was about 19 years old. I was doing work as an Eagle Scout around Judith Chalmers’ house when she got out her old deck of the mystical T. Being young and impressionable, I didn’t think twice about turning over three cards. Only I picked out the Hierophant, Temperance and Moon cards and, two weeks later, found myself dating a pasty faced astronomer with Catholic leanings who claimed my Vimto moustache was the work of the devil. I learned a valuable lesson, not just about love but about Judith Chalmers’ magical power: neither is to be trifled with.

My advice to you in regard to matters of love is to ignore physical qualities and look for somebody who can connect with you on an intellectual level. I need only refer to the current problems of Pete and Jordan to remind you of what happens when two unequal intellects collide. A man who can pen ‘Mysterious Girl’ was never going to find happiness with a woman whose greatest achievement in life is retaining both of her nipples.

Forgive me for being old fashioned about these things but I will assume you are after a male. In which case, I suggest you avoid making the usual mistakes that women make when looking for a man. Perfume and lacy things might work on TV but, in the real world, you should accept that men are motivated by more down to earth matters such as beer. Have you tried rubbing malted hops behind your ears? It’s sure to attract any man who likes to drink. However, to ensure he’s not an alcoholic, you should also carry with you a breathalyser. Proper urine/blood tests can be conducted at a later date. In the early stages of dating, you’re only looking for a ballpark figure for blood alcohol content.

Take this example further and think of the things that interest men. You can never go wrong with power tools. If you could carry a high-spec drill with you at all times (Bosch are particularly appealing to men), you will immediately find something to talk about. If it’s got a ‘hammer’ setting, then all the better. Personally speaking, I always enjoy it when Judy dresses in overalls and we work on the car together. There’s nothing sexier than a woman lying on her back, her feet sticking out from under a 1966 Ford Anglia she happens to be restoring.

If you can lure a man in with these tips, you must then turn your mind to keeping him. There are always other women liable to come along with more attractive power tools or a classic 1960 VW Mango Bus with original interior. However, men are generally loyal so long as they don’t feel threatened. Men appreciate silence, especially while reading the newspaper in the bathroom on a Sunday morning. However, they also enjoy loud noises at least three times a week. Arrange regular detonations in the back garden and they will thank you in ways it would be indiscreet to mention on a website rated ‘F’ for Family Friendly.

I hope this advice helps and trust that you won’t lose fingers due to my recommendations. Take proper advice when handling explosives and remember to unplug your power tools before changing drills/blades.

Kindest regards,

Uncle Dick


hogansgoat said...

Now that's just as spooky as all giddyup.

I mentioned Vimto in my latest blog post!

You're not stalking me, are you?

Uncle Dick Madeley said...

I can assure you that I haven't been stalking you, though I've now pencilled you in for an brief but uncomfortable encounter at a bus stop later this week. You will then see me watching you the cheese counter in your local supermarket, followed by occasional glimpses of me walking past your house late at night.

We'll see how that goes before I'll consider doing some full-time stalking.

Dame Crusty Gusset said...

I think we must all have horror stories from our past visits to Tarot readers.

One will never forget a visit to Madam Izzy when one was a young Damelette; the scream she let out when I lay my wand and two pentacles down in the centre of her dining table will haunt me for all eternity.

DCG xx

Studly McBuff said...

You're so right about the power tools.
When I met that young girl tiling her own kitchen I was smitten.
When I later discovered that she had her own set of Bosch power tools, a Black & Decker workmate, AND a petrol-strimmer, I knew she was destined to be the next (and final) lucky Mrs.Mcbuff.

You can tell a lot about a woman by her power tools.

Uncle Dick Madeley said...

Studly, you are a man after my own heart, if not my groin, larynx, and lower intestinal tract. Her ownership of a petrol powered strimmer was also the clincher when I met Judy. It always brings a sentimental tear to my eye when I'm lying in bed on a Sunday morning and I hear her beneath the bedroom window strimming the weeds.