A Dennis Update

This morning's early rise had done nothing for my mood and I had hoped to catch a bit of shut eye this afternoon before I recorded tonight's show. The last thing I wanted to do was spend my time pondering whether on not to give Dennis his notice. Of course, he did the usual craven things to stay in my employ. He fell on his knees and begged me to let him keep his job. His one hand clawed ineffectually at my trouser leg as I walked away but I was not going to be swayed. If there's one subject in the world that is sure to get my temper up it's the subject of Castro and Cuba. Second to that is darts. It's a pernicious evil that threatens to reintroduce bad shirts and jewellery for fat men.

Now that I'm home and I've read your appeals on Dennis's behalf, I've changed my mind. I'll ask Dr. Raj to have a word with him and disillusion him about Peter 'The Hedgehog' Manley and Phil 'The Power' Taylor. After all, the unfortunate introduction of darts into this blog was partly my fault. Richard 'The Master' Madeley shouldn't have promoted Dennis so rapidly through the ranks. There were others who could have filled in for me today. I could have called in a favour from Jeremy 'The Rocket' Clarkson and had him write me something. I could even have pressed Martin 'The Professor' Amis into producing a small piece to make up for spelling Lola's name wrong in the interview I published earlier this week.

So, those of you who supported Dennis can rest easy tonight knowing that you've saved a one-armed man from the unemployment queue. Naturally, I would have replaced him with somebody with two hands, so, in terms of limbs, you've stood in the way of a real world decrease in the number of idle hands. You might want to think about that the next time you take the side of a man who whispers whenever he mentions Jockie Wilson's name.

The Peter Manley Appreciation Society: A Touching Tale Full of Human Interest

I first met professional darts player, Peter Manley, about a month after a basking shark bit off my left hand and most of my lower arm.

It was my trauma therapist who suggested that I look for some new hobbies. Before the accident, I'd been a semi-professional snooker player with a nice sideline in knotting novelty balloons for children's parties. I was also earning a good living by working in the applause department at the BBC. It was my job to provide the clapping that make their comedy shows seem funnier than they really are. I sometimes imagine what my life would be like now if I still had that job. I reckon I'd be earning a small fortune on 'Little Miss Jocelyn'...

Obviously, having only one hand meant that my life as a snooker-playing, balloon knotting, professional clapper would come to an end. I even had to leave my part-time job working for my girlfriend's fashion company where I modelled mittens. With the snap of a basking shark's jaw, my life changed forever. I couldn't even use the accordion I've played since a child.

Any person who has undergone such a dramatic change knows how difficult it is to find new interests. Luckily for me, the job came along working for Mr. Madeley who was very understanding about the problems I face. With what the forty pounds he paid me each week to work as his P.A. and the money I had collected by selling my old accordion and balloon pump, I soon began to build myself a new life. I've taught myself to use the yoyo and to play the harmonica. I also began to amass what has become the country's finest collection of Anna Nicole Smith memorabilia in the country. Some people call it pornography but I always say that Peter Manley has breasts and that doesn't make him anything to be ashamed about. And he's certainly not better looking that Anna who was so tragically taken from us recently.

Peter has been my saviour. The biggest obstacle I faced was finding a sport I could fit into my evenings and it was the sight of Peter at the ockey that saved me. Darts became my refuge from the hard work days at Channel 4. I scored my first 180 within a week of taking up the game and my three dart average is now regularly in the high 80s.

When people ask me where I see myself in ten years, I say: working the darts circuit as the country's only one-armed darts professional. Peter Manley is the man I want to become. He's obviously a bit heavy on the butter in the morning but I think he fills a shirt better than anybody since Anna posed in those ads for Guess jeans. It also makes him one of the most economically successful darts players. If I can pile on a few pounds, I'll make a fortune. That's what Peter has taught me. A big gut leaves plenty of room for advertising. Some people say it's a bit ironic that Peter Manley's right tit is sponsored by a scaffolding firm. I say it's good business sense.