Simon Cowell's Chilly Trowel

Hi guys! Far too busy to blog today. Judy is helping Simon Cowell lay a new patio and I'm on trowel duty. It's also my job to ensure that his waistband never drops lower than his hips, which have a low tolerance for chills. I blame his new artificial joints. The human body is not meant to contain so much titanium. They act as a real heat-sink. No wonder he complains so much about having a frozen colon.

I’m also rehearsing for my stint on the radio. I’m having my teeth re-bleached this afternoon so I look my best for the occasion. Thanks for all the recommendations for tunes I might play. The idea of devoting the whole evening to the Peruvian nose flute really did inspire me. I’m going to see if I can get James Galway into the studio and ask him to play ‘Greensleeves’ with just one nostril.

In the meantime, if you have a moment spare, you can read the blog of my one-time friend and blogging associate who has now decided to spread some foul rumours about me. I can't believe that I've promised to promote his blog. Judy is, quite naturally, heartbroken that a friend could betray us in this vulgar fashion. If you do go over there, I ask that you don’t believe a word that he says. The man is a known liar and I swear that he once asked me for an inventory of Judy’s sock drawer. Do not, I beg of you, go over there. Stay here with me. It’s your choice.