The Richard Madeley Interviews: No 27. Clive James

Richard: Clive, it’s lovely to have you here, it really is.

Clive: This is actually my home...

Richard: I know it is. Fantastic stuff. But first of all, can I just say that we loved your last book. Both Judy and I read it. Enjoyed it immensely. Great characters…

Clive: It was a book of essays.

Richard: Of course it was. That was the thing that Judy loved most about it. But I’m sure we’ll talk about that later. I wanted to start out by asking you about your career as a TV critic. For over ten years, or at least as far as I remember, you were possibly the most respected television critic in the UK. What do you now look back on and think of as your favourite show?

Clive: My favourite show? That’s a tough question. I suppose I have a certain affection to a little show called Endurance, or ‘Za Gaman’ as it’s know in Japan. The first time I saw it…

Richard: I was thinking more about programmes from the UK.

Clive: Oh, in the UK? That’s even harder. My own view, for what it’s worth, is that Alan Wicker made some of most significant…

Richard: A bit too old. More recent than that.

Clive: More recent?

Richard: Yes, I was thinking about TV at the moment. Is there any one show that you think really stands out from the crowd? I mean, it’s been a few years since many of us will have read your opinions on TV, so I thought it would be great if we could hear what you think about the kind of programmes that are being made now.

Clive: More recent TV? I would say that Spooks on BBC1…

Richard: Not on the BBC.

Clive: Well, of course, Coronation Street remains…

Richard: Not on ITV either. More in the region of Channel 4.

Clive: This new series of Britz…

Richard: Right channel, bit too adult. Something earlier in the day.

Clive: How much earlier in the day?

Richard: Oh, round about five o’clock in the evening, during late Autumn and winter. Perhaps a show that's currently enjoying a well earned break...

Clive: You’re talking about your show?

Richard: Not necessarily.

Clive: I think my favourite show on the TV, limiting my choices to Channel 4 before the watershed, but more specifically about five o’clock in the evening, during late Autumn and winter, would have to be The Richard&Judy Show.

Richard: Why do you like it so much?

Clive: I don’t particularly. In fact, I’ve never watched it.

Richard: Well there you go. Isn't that just indicative of so much? Why did you say you like it so much when you've not even watched it? Shouldn’t you, as one of the nation’s most loved critics, actually watch the programmes you’re judging? That’s what really gets on my nerves. People like you profess to have an opinion that the rest of the country should listen to, yet you haven’t got the integrity to watch the show you’re talking about. What do you say to that?

Clive: I think we should end this right here.

Richard: One last thing, you are big with the new media. Any websites you'd like to plug?

Clive: You know there are, Richard. I’ve done four series of my Talking in the Library programmes, which anybody can watch via my website at www.clivejames.com.

Richard: But you don’t blog?

Clive: I don’t have time to blog. I’m so busy with my projects such as…

Richard: Do you read blogs? What’s you favourite blog?

Clive: I don’t know. I’m a big fan of Stephen F…

Richard: I was thinking more along the lines of somebody you know…

Clive: I know Stephen Fr…

Richard: Closer to you, like… now. Somebody who might be in the room with you. Sitting next to you on your sofa.

Clive: I’m a huge fan of the Richard Madeley blog.

Richard: The Richard Madeley Appreciation Society.

Clive: Would you please leave?

Richard: Hey, couldn’t let you go without saying you’ve been a great guest. It’s always a pleasure listening to what you have to say. Been a big fan for years. Cheers.

Clive: I’ll have my wife call the police.

Richard: You must come back soon.

Clive: Out!

Richard: Last word.

Clive: Now!

Richard: Last word. I always have it...

The Tramp Called Dodger

The plans for the new series get more exciting by the day and I’m pleased to announce that our’s will be the first UK show to provide regular jobs for some of London’s thousands of tramps. I admit that this was my little brainwave. I notice on the drive to the studios that London has an abundance of homeless vagrant types, wandering the streets with nothing else to do. ‘Untapped potential’ thought I as my eyes narrowed and my brain went into overdrive. This morning I asked my driver to slow down next to one of the ugliest, smelliest, and most violent individuals we could find to see if he'd be interested in filling in while Denise Robertson goes on her spiritual quest to find herself up the Andes.

‘Excuse me,’ I said, through the window’s one inch gap. ‘Are you interested in a job?’

‘A job?’ repeated the man slowly as though the word once held meaning for him. ‘Ay, I’m interested. What doing?’

‘I thought general chat about weekly new items seen from the perspective of the slightly deranged and possibly sociopathic.’

‘Sociopathic? I could do that,’ he said, fingering the knife he’d take from his pocket. ‘When would I have to do this?’

‘Possible twice a week,’ I said, ‘depending on the number of guests we have on the show. You’d probably be on the sofa between Kim Wilde and Dr. Raj. You’d provide an alternative point of view.’

‘I like the sound of that,’ said the man as he began to scratch his initials into the door of the limo.

‘Well, that’s that,’ I said. ‘Hop in and I’ll take you to the studio.’

The production meeting went fine, except for the ten minutes we spent at the end trying to get my friend to release his hostage. A half-consumed box of Jammie Dodgers seemed to pacify him and all was settled when we promised him a weekly supply of his very own.

I personally think that Dodger (as we've now christened him) is going to be a huge star for Channel 4. We’re already thinking about producing his own series. We just have to find the right vehicle for him. Perhaps something to do with home improvements. I like the ironic twist it gives to a well worn genre.

Since I’ve been light on facts the last couple of days, here’s some facts about Jammie Dodgers. They are the world’s most popular biscuit, though in American they’re known as St. James Dodgers. In Japan, they have a wing of their biscuit museum dedicated to the dodger. The jam in a dodger isn’t actually jam but a syrup. It’s specially formulated to keep the two halves of the biscuit together and is actually stronger the rubber cement. Too many jammie dodgers eaten in a day can clog up the digestion, producing dodgeritus, which is a real medical condition, the remedy of which is to gorge on fig rolls. Conversely, eating too many fig rolls can produce a condition known as figrolltiddilyitus, the cure of which is – you’ve guessed it – eating plenty of Jammie Dodgers. But once you start, you will find it hard to reach a balance. You have been warned.