Top Tan Tips

The Thinker asks about my tan, as well she should. I’m surprised a few more of you haven’t requested my top tanning tips given the dismal summer we’ve been having. A tan can make you feel better about life, raise your self esteem, and increase your visibility in traffic at night. I sometimes visit your blogs and see your wan portraits and wonder how you have the nerve to show your poor sallow faces in public. It saddens me because I know I can help you. Even when the weather’s dull, you can still get a good tan if you follow my advice. There’s just no excuse for looking pasty at any time of the year. Unless, of course, you’re suffering from some kind of terrible wasting disease. But even then, I say there are few ailments which can’t be cured by a bit of sun, or failing that, some gravy browning and a large brush.

The first thing to know about my tan is that it’s real. I’m one of the rare people who was born with a tan due to the naturally high levels of melanin in my skin. There was quite a commotion at my birth as doctors tried to explain why I was organge. Even if you’re not blessed by what’s now called ‘The Madeley Syndrome’, you can still get a good tan if you keep your skin tight at all times. Whether you’re lying under the sun, under lamps, or having it sprayed on in a booth by a sixteen year old YTS trainee with a high pressure jet, a tan needs a smooth surface. I use normal clothes pegs to take out the wrinkles from my skin. A couple on the back of my neck will produce a blemish free surface over my face. And when I’m done, I roll over and put a couple of pegs on my lips and eyelids to smooth out the back of my head and my neck. Things get more delicate the further south you go and I’ll leave it to your imagination as to how I get a good tan on my upper thighs.

My other tip is to eat lots of cheese, which is the best way to raise the levels of melanin in your body. In a particularly bad summer, I eat nothing but cheese yet maintain a healthy tan. The weaker cheeses, such as Cheddar, aren’t much use. Mouldy cheeses are the best and this summer I’ve been eating nothing but Roquefort, Gorgonzola, and Stilton. Judy says I smell like a festering camel dumped in an open sewer but I say it’s a price worth paying to look attractive all the year round.

As you can probably tell, I’m a living volume of tanning facts. Did you know that it’s impossible to get a suntan while smoking a pipe? Pipe tobacco produces a smoke that is impervious to the sun’s rays. It’s also difficult – but not impossible – to get a tan if you have a diet high in fish. It’s why you rarely see a sunburnt Eskimo. Did you know that a tan lasts twice as long if you rub margarine or olive oil into it on the first day. Last year, George Hamilton donated his sunbed to the Smithsonian, which can now claim to own the world’s oldest sunbed.