The Celebrity Standings

Seventeen days into December, I see that 'The Richard Madeley Appreciation Society' has grown by around twenty six thousand words. Had I been aiming for literary prizes, I’d be a quarter of the way through my novel set in Ireland. My poor Irish orphan would still be struggling to overcome her allergy to stout, and I’d be beginning to chart her rise to become the most powerful woman in the land. Sometime in January, I’d be describing how she swims off into the Atlantic leaving a hairy-lipped peat cutter to bewail his unconsummated love over her bloated corpse. Something like that... I haven’t worked out the details but it's the stuff of literary prizes, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Since the pre-Christmas slump has started, I thought I’d begin to ease myself into holiday mode. This is aided by the simple fact that I don’t need to write any 2000 word accounts of my day. It has been, in all things, quite normal. Bill Oddie popped by this morning to borrow Judy’s Black & Decker Workmate and I’ve agreed to nip to see Jeremy and pick up the manuscript to his latest collection of essays. As usual, I’m proofreading it for him and he has got to the point where he trusts my eyes above all other.

What I thought I would do today is spend some time completing a job that has been long delayed. Reading back over some recent comments, it occurred to me that the battlelines aren't clearly drawn in the world of showbiz. You might think that in a world as friendly as light entertainment, I’m here to sing the praises of all men and woman who labour under the weight of talent. And you’d be wrong. An Oddie is quite different to a Cowell. A Clarkson is very unlike an Osbourne.

With this in mind, I’ve decided to produce my official list of celebrities. This will firmly establish for all of you reading my blog, who is on the side of Madeley and who isn’t. As you can see, there are a few surprises. The Osbourne’s remain a divided family. While we can, without fear of contradicting ourselves, declare Sharon and Jack as undesirables, it’s hard to be negative to a man so monumentally insane as Ozzie. Nor can we overlook Kelly’s work in bringing peace to Rwanda. You can also see that we’re still faced with the problem of a waxing James Blunt. His appearance on 'Top Gear' proving that he’s essentially one of the good guys but, unfortunately, he is still insists on opening his mouth and singing. Until this issue is resolved, he has to remain floating at the foot of our list.