Monday, 17 December 2007

The Celebrity Standings

Seventeen days into December, I see that 'The Richard Madeley Appreciation Society' has grown by around twenty six thousand words. Had I been aiming for literary prizes, I’d be a quarter of the way through my novel set in Ireland. My poor Irish orphan would still be struggling to overcome her allergy to stout, and I’d be beginning to chart her rise to become the most powerful woman in the land. Sometime in January, I’d be describing how she swims off into the Atlantic leaving a hairy-lipped peat cutter to bewail his unconsummated love over her bloated corpse. Something like that... I haven’t worked out the details but it's the stuff of literary prizes, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Since the pre-Christmas slump has started, I thought I’d begin to ease myself into holiday mode. This is aided by the simple fact that I don’t need to write any 2000 word accounts of my day. It has been, in all things, quite normal. Bill Oddie popped by this morning to borrow Judy’s Black & Decker Workmate and I’ve agreed to nip to see Jeremy and pick up the manuscript to his latest collection of essays. As usual, I’m proofreading it for him and he has got to the point where he trusts my eyes above all other.

What I thought I would do today is spend some time completing a job that has been long delayed. Reading back over some recent comments, it occurred to me that the battlelines aren't clearly drawn in the world of showbiz. You might think that in a world as friendly as light entertainment, I’m here to sing the praises of all men and woman who labour under the weight of talent. And you’d be wrong. An Oddie is quite different to a Cowell. A Clarkson is very unlike an Osbourne.

With this in mind, I’ve decided to produce my official list of celebrities. This will firmly establish for all of you reading my blog, who is on the side of Madeley and who isn’t. As you can see, there are a few surprises. The Osbourne’s remain a divided family. While we can, without fear of contradicting ourselves, declare Sharon and Jack as undesirables, it’s hard to be negative to a man so monumentally insane as Ozzie. Nor can we overlook Kelly’s work in bringing peace to Rwanda. You can also see that we’re still faced with the problem of a waxing James Blunt. His appearance on 'Top Gear' proving that he’s essentially one of the good guys but, unfortunately, he is still insists on opening his mouth and singing. Until this issue is resolved, he has to remain floating at the foot of our list.


Alan Titchman said...

How the fuck did Gordon Ramsay make the Good List...he is a filthy fucking foul mouthed wanker. You should not associate with him Dick, he will drag you down to his own low level. Why don't you make an Ugly list?...Ramsay can be the first fucking name on it.

bertas said...

Good choice on the bad list, Russell Brand annoys me terribly... while Jordan is just unseemly... I do agree with Alan on Ramsay he is foul mouthed... although with all those kitchen knives handy, dare I say that might be the reason he made the nice list? :)
Oh and I simply adore Michael Palin, he is the reason I became documentary tart :)

Richard Madeley said...

Alan, for somebody complaining about bad language, you don't do too bad yourself. Or, of course, you just have an overdeveloped sense of irony. However, I can justify Ramsay being on the good list: he’s on my side. He’s as pro-Madeley as they come. In person, he’s exactly what he appears: a good chef with a foul mouth. He’s not sweet and cuddly. He’s hard as nails. Nor does he torture us with his mediocre talent. Because he’s so dislikable (in a very deliberate way), he’s on the good list.

Bertas, this is all so odd. When I was talking to Palin last week, he mentioned that he’ll be doing a documentary with Ramsay, à la James May and Oz Clarke's wine vacation, only they’ll be travelling around Europe sampling the great cakes and pastries. You might say it will be a tart documentary.

Selena Dreamy said...

As usual, I’m proofreading it for him and he has got to the point where he trusts my eyes above all other.

So the secret of his success is not really a secret at all. It emanates from the genetic collision of cerebral celebrity with the physical endowment of a man of action. I could tell he was struggling. Britain’s most dangerous columnist is ghost-written by a well-mannered, youthful lad who hides from public view on a popular TV show. Well, that was all I needed to be told. I’ve been wondering why his kind of futile, spontaneous unburdening of male rage is never out of the top ten. I feel that you are more than a little responsible for it, Richard. Living proof, in fact, that intelligent writers like you and I struggle for recognition, while the louts have it all. Or as your poor Irish orphan might have said, the simplest farmers harvest the biggest potatoes.

Rise up, bloggers, and cast your judgment!

As for your list of celebrities, The Good, the Bad (and the Ugly?), it will probably upset everyone who is not named. Except for the ugly. Fact is, my own candidate was never considered, but that is hardly surprising. It’s a collective given that we would all be better off without him. Few of you have heard of him and, in any case, I was never asked. His name is John Prescott and, unlike Jeremy, what makes him so popular is his superbly cunning grasp of the fact that stimulating a minute spot on the frontal lobe caused the tongue to wag.

And not even the Iraqis would shoot him for that. said...

Richard, firstly, thanks for the comment you left on my blog; I wholeheartedly agree and after I've finished playing with my new Mac - is this known as "Fry syndrome"? - I shall get cracking and write more of the novel! Good luck with yours, though.

Selena, politicians would have a whole separate list, don't you think?


The Titch said...

Thanks Dick... for seeing the subtle irony in my foul mouthed rant about Ramsay. Seriously though...Gordon is just a filthy farmer and is not worthy to be on anyones Good List.He makes even Jo Brand seem clean & wholesome and I bet Jo bakes better pasties too.

Anonymous said...

I wonder where you stand on David Walliams ... and Cilla Black? Do you see much of her? I had a dream about you and Mr Oddie the other night... would you like to hear it?

You can complain about writing to much - I have a bout 250,000,000 words on-line scattered across 17 blogs.. no wonder I am dehydrated.

lee said...

I disagree with this list -michael palin should have been at the VERY TOP of the good people!

Anonymous said...

Dick Madeinheaven said:
"Alan, for somebody complaining about bad language, you don't do too bad yourself. Or, of course, you just have an overdeveloped sense of irony."

So, where's Ricky Gervais? ...the ungrateful fucking bastard.

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