Hi guys! Traffic is always low at the weekend and today is no exception. I can only assume that I’m the only person sitting here, surfing the web in my large Channel 4 dressing gown and slippers. Like any well adjusted celebrity, I’ve spent most of my time looking up my name on Google. It’s the easiest way to see what’s happening in my life. It was edifying to see Hello Magazine describe me, quite accurately I thought, as one of ‘TV's best-loved personalities’.
It’s how I had the misfortune of tuning into a blog that has recently dumped me from their blogroll. I don’t know why I’m no longer there but curses on this rejection! Have the people no idea what they’re doing? Why did this blogger have such a change of heart about me? Perhaps some kind of miswired circuitry in their brain? A blockage of some sort? Does my name perhaps remind them of an uncle Richard who has recently gone to prison for misdemeanors involving animals? Do you think I should email them to ask?
The sad truth is that this isn’t the first time I’ve been ‘unlisted’ from a blogroll. It happens to me on a weekly basis. After I launched my Appreciation Society, I was getting listed in dozens of blogs. I was welcomed with open arms by many. Then, after about a week, most had dropped me. Had I done something wrong? I think not. The same is true of many of the first visitors to this blog. Looking back to my earliest posts, many of the original commentators no longer drop by. Surely somebody must have got to them.
Since I’m at a loss to know what I’ve done, I suspect devilry on behalf of Channel 4. Knowing that my contract isn’t going to be renewed, they are secretly spreading misinformation about me. They are emailing all these bloggers to tell them that I’m a dangerous man prone to mood swings. Those of you who have been reading me for long enough know that this is all rubbish. But what could Channel 4 be gaining by this cruel deception?
I’ve also noticed another thing. I often leave comments on blogs and I get no reply. Often, I’ll leave a comment and then another person will leave a comment, and the blog owner replies to the second comment but not to mine. It’s as though I don’t exist. I’ve had to use logic to reason myself around this insult. I think I leave comments of such stunning wit that people haven’t the capacity to match it. My comments are like Shakespearean sonnets and are perfect as they sit.
Oh, why am I telling you any of this? It’s Saturday and there’s nobody there. I’m off to watch last night’s episode of QI.