Monday, 3 December 2007

Breaking News

I’ve just got off the phone with Judith Chalmers and I’m delighted to announce that she has finally agreed to become my official mystic. I’ve been angling to get Judith on board for some time but the people at Cactus TV, who make the show, are as prickly a group of talents as you might hope to find within the drinking dens of Greater London. They don’t share my faith in Judith’s ability to see the future. However, a compromise has now been reached. Judith will provide regular mystical visions for this blog and, should they prove accurate, she’ll then get screen time on Channel 4.

As you know, Judith has been providing psychic readings in celebrity circles for years but I’m delighted to have this opportunity to present her 'dizzy spells' to a wider audience. From now on, Judith will always be carrying a printout of this website’s statistics in her handbag . Whenever she feels a vision coming to her, she’ll quickly touch the stats and make a prediction. She believes that this will help her tune into the future, not just of myself, but of my wider readership.

She rang me again at four to say she’s already made her first prophesies. The vision had come to her about half past three and, luckily, since I'd already given her the password to my stats, the the old trooper got stuck right in. These predictions, you might say, are hot off the Chalmers...

Judith speaks:
'Richard: you must contact a man called Morris and make peace with the BBC. I see big things ahead for you. I also have a message for all your readers. Beware doorknobs, hand towels, and men who are exactly five feet six inches tall living in Great Yarmouth. To visitors from Chicago, Illinois, please take care if you think it’s pink and made of rubber. It’s not. It’s real. People in Solihull should wear an extra pair of socks and dance the tango in the rain. And if you’re from Warrington and have larger than average ears, I see a vast fortune coming your way. People in High Wycombe should beware of elves and men with nine sided dice.'

There you go. I’m sure you’ll want to join me and thank Judith for these wise words. I don’t know what to make of everything but I think we should all be wary about her warning about things that are pink and look like rubber.


Ethel said...

Gadzooks! The woman's incredible!

It's very wise to beware handtowels, especially in work's bathrooms. They've been washed twice in about five years. And I wouldn't trust the doorknobs, either.

lee said...

You're right,ethel -who knows what a person could pick up a from doorknob. (Or even things that are pink and look like rubber but aren't made from rubber.Or even Judith herself).My goodness, I'm frightened after reading this post.

Richard Madeley said...

Ethel, incredible indeed. Did you know that there are more workplace related accidents involving doorknobs than there are workplaces?

Lee, I don't know where you get that idea but Judith isn't made of rubber. She's just been working in hot climates for many years as part of The Holiday Programme here in the UK.

Ethel said...

Well, the accident-to-knob ratio makes sense if workplaces have more than one door, I suppose.

(What do you mean, why am I here when I should be working?)

lee said...

I was in no way implying that judith is made of rubber, rather that things might be picked up from her, as you already know. I don't even know who judith is :).

Richard Madeley said...

Ethel, that's brilliantly astute of you.

(And what am I doing here when I should be asleep? It's two o'clock in the morning...)

Richard Madeley said...

I think she's a British Tony Martin.

(And yes, I still have no idea who he is.)

Anonymous said...

I am worried that she has not made any predictions for me - obviously I am not in any of her categories! Other than the doorknobs/GreatYarmouth thingey..

I shall await her prouncements with great interest - she seems fatter than I remember - am I thinking of someone else?

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