Tuesday, 4 December 2007

A Pubic Apology

‘Ignorance is no excuse,’ said Judy ten minutes ago. I replied that I thought it was. I thought ignorance was the only excuse…

Dear readers. You find me with a deep purple hue on my cheek, the blush of shame on my chin. I have an apology to make to you. Although this wasn’t actually my fault, I feel like I’ve corrupted you all. In years to come, when asked when you developed your fetish for clowns, Tammy Wynette, and spacehoppers, you’ll blame me. You’ll say: Richard Madeley did this to me. He showed me pictures when I’d only gone to read about Frank Carson.

Checking on my site’s feed this afternoon, I discovered that a number of the photographs I’d used to illustrate my earlier posts had mysteriously changed. In a scandal bigger than the ‘You Say We Pay’ fiasco, innocent illustrations had been altered to depict – how shall I put this – rutting, mating, mounting and dismounting. Some of the changes were along the lines of the surreal. A picture of Tammy Wynette had become a pan of spaghetti on the boil. A tin of prunes had become a two circus clowns waving to camera. Dennis Hopper had become a space hopper. Much more disturbing was the picture of Frank Carson. It had become a plump woman enjoying a pleasurable time with two gentlemen from that fine city of Wellhung, Bavaria.

Actually, there were three pornographic images on my blog. I can only apologise if they offended you. This came as a great shock to me and put me off my lunch. You must have been wondering what kind of man I am; illustrating my Appreciation Society with images of ladies with well shaves armpits. In my opinion, men with large moustaches and no clothes have no place on the internet. They certainly have no place of the Richard Madeley Appreciation Society. And I don’t care how big they are.

I can only apologise, apologise, and apologise again. I didn’t quite understand how to include pictures into those early posts and had accidentally ‘hot linked’ to images not under my control. They’ve now been deleted and I’m installing measures to ensure that images of grinning men and ladies with tattooed ankles can never take over this family friendly blog.

5 comments:

lee said...

Love the label -accidental porn. Accidental porn? That could be perhaps what others like to write about on their blog. Oh,no, I'm a goose -that would be Intentional Porn.

Big Chip Dale said...

I once appeared in some accidental porn. It was the 2001 J.D. William's catalogue and, as they say, my 'cup runneth over'. It's now a collector's item and costs a fortune.

Ethel said...

Argh. I sympathise.

One of my random chores is to periodically go through a big list of every web page our work site's ever linked to, and make sure none are dead or, ahem, no longer suitable for a bastion of decency and moral fibre such as ourselves* to be linking to. I get the occasional surprise...

* Yes, I'm one of Aunty's children. It's like Hotel California - you can check out any time you like but you will NEVER leave.

Steven Grlscz said...

Don't be ashamed of your inadvertent use of porn, Richard. You were subconsciously expressing your interest in sleaze and I feel that you are a better man for it.

Nobody changed those pictures. You posted them yourself. Think of it as a Freudian slip?

I blame Judy, myself. She spent a whole episode earlier this year (23rd July 2007) looking all baggy and pinched whilst those two lovely ladies discussed the demise of stockings, and their love of erotic lingerie.

You can come out and say it man, Judy isn't taking care of business anymore. Nobody will think any less of you for it...

Richard Madeley said...

Lee, I can't comment. I'm a figure much loved by the public for his virtue.

Chip, the less I say about that the better. I thought you'd given up blogging because nobody is reading you?

Ethel, it was quite an eye opener. To see my words with those pictures. It have the whole thing a new slant.

Steven, if I had done it I'd be proud to admit it. To be perfectly honest, it wasn't my cup of tea at all. Europeans cavorting in ski lodges and drinking large steins of frothing beer while making the beast with three backs and six ankles. I'll grant you that it might have been somebody close to me. I've been a bit worried about Judy after the episode in July. I wouldn't put it past her as a way of discrediting me and my blog.