Thursday, 6 December 2007

Dick Justice

It’s a day of big news and I’ve got an announcement to make.

This afternoon, ITV gave my production company the green light to start making my new series on crime in the UK. 'Dick Justice' will see me returning to my roots as an investigative undercover reporter. In the first series, which we’re due to start filming next week, I’ll be going undercover to investigate what's really going on in the UK.

This news couldn't have come on a better day. I see that Jeremy Clarkson has been questioned by police because he’d quite rightly beat up some young thug giving him grief. And this is another example of why the country is calling out for a show like ‘Dick Justice’. Jeremy’s being vilified just because an ‘A’ list celebrity decided to take the law into his own hands. Yet men like Jeremy need supporting. I’ll be doing my best to get him involved in the show.

For myself, I won’t be beating up young louts, as much as I'd love to. I aim to become the first presenter to really get inside fanatical terror cells, outposts of the Russian mafia, and the importation of poorly made Chinese goods via the so called ‘sock’ mules arriving daily from the Isle of Man. The aim of the show is to expose the criminal gangs that are operating in the country and to shame them into changing their ways.

So, my law abiding friends, you heard it here first. There’ll be a new name for the law this Spring. Remember that name: Dick Justice.

If you need justice, just call me Dick.


Bretwalda Edwin-Higham said...

That's wonderful to hear. Should be more of it. Clarkson broke free of his muzzle, did he?

Selena Dreamy said...

There are two things in life I do well, Richard - drinking Scotch and showing off my legs. The local yobs drop in every night and watch me open them. I’m a professional pole dancer, you see. So I had about fourteen doubles last night, which is well below my average (and that of my audience) - and was purely self-protection on my part. If I hadn't had them, I would probably have called Jeremy Clarkson to kick the lot of them out, but instead I was arrested for breach of the peace and charged with outraging public decency (apparently I was a traffic hazard). I did go topless at one point, I remember, to show a degree of willingness, and admit to imaginative and provocative use of aubergines and pomegranates, but I retained my suspenders, hat, and Svarovsky diamond collar at all times, and refuse to I assume, myself alone, the moral and legal responsibility for all that which happened.

I assure you that I’m innocent, and I beg you to believe me when I say that I'm in need of "Dick Justice". I am, in fact perfectly convinced that you are the first man who will succeed in combating crime not by police methods but by overcoming it through a type of justice able to regenerate delinquents and shaming them into changing their ways.

Thank Dick for that.

The Hitch said...

This is all good news
Can you post some photos of your wifes huge breasts?
Not for me but rather an elderly friend who is a fan.

Richard Madeley said...

Bretwalda, broke free and savaged an infant. We're fighting to stop the authorities putting him down. It's a very sad case.

Selena, you should blog. I'd read it. As for being on the show, I'm forwarding your case to the researchers. We might be able to fit you into an episode but we'll have to see. It depends on how well my fake moustache works when I try to go undercover in the Russian Mafia.

The Hitch, I don't know what sort of blogs you normally visit but this is now porn-free. Not that I've ever posted porn. That was just a total accident, not of my doing. However, Judy is flattered but doesn't think her career has quite reached that stage. If we're every forced onto Channel 5, I'll broach the subject again and we'll be in touch.

Big Chip Dale said...

Hey, Dick. I've just crept up behind you in a darkened alley and clobbered you across the head with a length of two by four. That's right: consider yourself tagged with a meme.

Richard Madeley said...

Chip, if I have time, I'll do it. Don't you know that I'm a very busy man? I can't sit around all day writing about thongs.

lee said...

The only Dick worth mentioning is Dick Whittington (and his cat).It might be a bit silly to tack the words and his cat on there because a cat isn't a Dick ,is it?

Elberry said...

i hope your new show will feature some lines of LA Confidential like excellence, e.g. "what's wrong with you Wendell? You don't seem your usual cruel self", delivered by a tough corrupt Irish cop.

lady thinker said...

I hope the Dick Justice Show will start with an expose of the inside the Labour Govt. Yates of the Yard could do with a really high profile helper.

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