Friday, 28 December 2007

Best of the Web

After I had unnaturally manipulated the fates by spilling a chicken’s innards over a prostrate Anne Diamond, The Guardian was forced to unwittingly choose my piece on ‘The Trouble With Dames’ as one of its ‘best of the blogs’ items for today. It accounts for all the new visitors and a disturbing rise in the number of people who want me to stop blogging.

Ten percent Thirteen percent Sixteen percent of my visitors now seem to think that The Richard Madeley Appreciation Society is a bad thing. I’m astonished by this figure almost as much as I’m astounded that not one of you have asked me to write more of my award-winning poetry. It’s as though my ‘Mock Heroic Epistle to Jeremy Paxman on the State of His Sock Drawer’ doesn’t exist. All I can say is that you won’t get another if you ignore my poetic genius in this callous way. Stephen Fry need only rhyme ‘chesty wheeze’ with ‘striptease’ and he’s in line to become the next poet laureate. And the less I say about Pam Ayres the better. Do we really need another comic poem about a painful pimple on a dairymaid’s buttocks? I think not.

Taken as an indication of the British public’s tastes, I think ten percent thirteen percent sixteen percent is a rather worrying figure. Would they prefer it if I wrote about politics or sport? Do they want more details about my daily life, what kind of cheese I prefer, and which of my relatives is suffering from a prolapsed elbow? What, in other words, am I doing wrong?

21 comments:

AxmxZ said...

Are you certain that the Ignoble Three who Nay-ed their discontent with your blog are British? Perhaps they are an errant family of cyber-Esquimaux. Their healthy appreciation of your blog might be hampered by a total lack of any glimmer of a shadow of a hint of an idea who Stephen Fry is.

Richard Madeley said...

There are four of them now! Just gone up by one.

I have no idea who they are or what their game is, but I'm tracking IP addresses. I swear that they'll be visited one night by an Oddie in a black balaclava.

AxmxZ said...

I regret to say, the fourth one snuck in on my watch - just as I was leaving my comment. I'll never forgive myself.

Richard Madeley said...

Asleep on duty again? I'll have your stripes for this, Axmxz.

I'm beginning to think that the Guardian's readers don't know a good thing. Not one of them has bothered to click on and read my blog. It's as though I don't even speak their language.

AxmxZ said...

This is all very mysterious. Perhaps a conspiracy is afoot. You ought to consult Fry. He could track down the nay-sayers and send them sternly worded viruses.

AxmxZ said...

Five now - sixteen percent. I fail.

*hands over the stripes, the shilling and a cat o'nine tails*

Richard Madeley said...

Axmxz, one meal later and I return to my PC to discover that the world is out to get me. I'm beginning to think that I should follow their advice. Guardian readers are not your average lot. If they failed to appreciate my piece on Parkinson's knighthood, I think that nobody ever will.

AxmxZ said...

Casting a quick glance over the other four "best-of-the-web"s, one can't help but notice that three of them assess Bhutto's assassination and one ranks the popularity of politicos. One might, ostensibly, combine the two winning strategies and rank the popularity of political assassinations.

Richard Madeley said...

Axmxz, what brilliant analysis! So, if I'm understanding you correctly, I simply need to include some political assassination in my next post to ensure huge popularity among Guardian readers. This will take some work but I'm sure I can do it.

Lola said...

What ARE you two going on about? How are these three/four/five people telling you to stop blogging? Would you just put Judy on, I'm sure she could explain it.

Having arrived at the blog before the Guardian and been rather uncertain whether it was my cup of warm Rooibos, I'm now beginning to think that I like it - does that help?

Richard Madeley said...

Lola, oddly enough, that's the second time today I've been compared to a cup of warm herbal tea. I take it as a great compliment. It is indeed true that visiting my blog on a daily basis helps regulate your bowels and aids a good night's sleep.

As to these people voting against me, Judy is working with her friends in the Security Services and we'll be sending Denise Robertson around to give them help. I believe that I've yet to find a new reader who has arrived via the Guardian who doesn't think that I'm a talentless hack with serious delusions. As we all know, my delusions are not that serious at all.

AxmxZ said...

It's good that your delusions aren't serious, because your blog kind of reminds me of Daniil Kharms.

Richard Madeley said...

Axmxz, I'm so glad you've said that. I'm in the mood for some good literature. I recently discovered that I have a Russian grandparent and now intend to discover the language and literature of my mother country.

mutleythedog said...

I have only just noticed that you were doing some kind of poll survey thing... and as I am 25% of your visitors that is a problem. I suggest you start again but make your knob more prominent also a less shiney pic would be nice Mr Madeley.

AxmxZ said...

Forays into Russian literature, jolly! I'm Russian myself, so don't hesitate to pose questions and solicit opinions.

elberry said...

They are swine, Madeley, they don't deserve you.

mutleythedog said...

Could we vote on your tie or something more concrete at all? Also what are you doing for New Year?

Richard Madeley said...

Axmxz, I'm in my sickbed so Russian literature is a bit too much for me at the moment. Perhaps when I feel better. I'll definitely look out for Daniil Kharms. Sounds like my kind of guy.

Elberry, you are right. I know I'm too good for them. Yet why do I still have this paranoia that they might just be right? All Guardian readers can't be wrong, can they?

Mutley, vote on my tie? Perhaps when the new series starts, though Judy always has the last say on the matter. I might start a vote on what to vote for. Or even a vote for which blogs I should target in one of my prolonged commenting sprees.

Swearing Mother said...

Richard, I've told you before, all this blog-angst is just a load of bollocks.

If any percentage of Guardian readers don't like you, just count is as a positive plus. The rest of us love you to bits. I'd be happy to be disliked by any number of Guardian readers if it meant that they knew who the bloody hell I am. So at least you're getting noticed. And bugger Stephen Fry (not literally, of course). He could fart underwater and it be declared a masterpiece of modern audio-art. That's just the way life is, I'm afraid.

Re your critics, send them round to mine, I'm in the mood to give someone a good trouncing. I've had someone complain on my blog about the swearing. What the f*ck did they think they'd find there given the clue in my name?

And did Mutley say "knob"? Gracious me, whatever next.

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