Or he does once he’s done that thing that all bloggers do when wanting to fill space on a Sunday: post the oddest search engine queries that brought visitors to the site. I’ve only just got around to looking at the results for last month and, as usual, we've got a fairly mixed bag.
1. ‘Creep Richard Madeley’
We have a new number one. I don't see why this should be so popular this month but I’m now going to be looking over my shoulder in case somebody has been working out the best way to creep up on me.
2. ‘I hate Richard Madeley’
The long standing number one drops to number two, which is indicative of the thawing in the relationship between the British people and the Madeley man mountain. My Appreciation Society is having an effect, as I always knew it would.
3. ‘Richard Madeley a terrorist with AK47’
In some quarters, the suspicions still continue. Can't a man attend a terrorist training camp without being labeled a terrorist?
4. ‘two rectums’
Why ‘two rectums’ remains so popular it is still beyond me. I do know that anybody wanting to search for ‘two rectums’ on Google will come here before they go anywhere. This is the duel rectum center of the world wide web. The way I calculate it, if you’re reading this, you’ve probably got two rectums. If so, I want to hear from you. There’s an award winning documentary in this or my name's not Madeley.
5. ‘Ray Mears hedgehogs’
At some stage every website gets a visitor looking for Ray Mears and hedgehogs. There’s simply nothing better than a hedgehog cooked in mud and wrapped in tin foil. The only problem with hedgehog meat is that’s a natural laxative. Beware. Especially those of you with two rectums.
6. ‘Richard Madeley is a cute nice guy’
Speaks for itself. I’m cute and I’ve a healthy respect for all men and women, even if they do have two rectums.
7. ‘deadly beast drawer’
English students at some American universities are already studying my 200 line mock heroic epistle on Jeremy Paxman’s sock drawer as part of the degrees in English Literature. People searching for the text of the poem accounts for this result.
8. ‘penis cactus gift barrel shaped order’
We do actually have a biscuit barrel that’s shaped like a cactus and, as I believe I've recounted on many occasions, I once got my penis trapped in it. I'm sure the story is in my archive if you can be bothered looking.
9. ‘Richard Madeley commando’
It’s the commando I go when I go commando. It's Madeley sans underpants.
10. ‘Jeremy Clarkson eats chaffinch’
The cruel persecution of Jeremy Clarkson is obviously continuing. If people want evidence of the time he ate chaffinch then they need only come around and ask Judy to show them our photo album. I’ve lost the number of times he’s eaten chaffinch at this house. I think he particularly likes the way I prepare them over a hot charcoal as I was taught by Ray Mears.
11. ‘Richard Madeley in a lift’
Mysterious. I’ve been in lifts but, as far as I can recall, nothing of significance has ever happened in a lift. I gone up many times but I've never gone down. I normally use the stairs.
12. ‘person with two rectums’
See my answer to number 4 or seek medical help.
13. ‘Mickey Rooney beard photo’
There’s no picture of Mickey Rooney with a beard here. There is, however, a picture of him smoking a pipe. I would hazard a guess and say it’s the best photo of Mickey Rooney smoking a pipe that’s available in the public domain.
14 ‘Judy plums’
I'm only too happy to clear up this little urban myth. No, she doesn’t have plums. Never had, has, or will. Unless they’re mine, in which case she’s threatened to have them turned into ear rings.
15. ‘what fine would you have to pay for smuggling fur for ocelots?’
The most intriguing result. After a little research I can now confirm that it’s a $20,000 dollar fine and up to twelve years in prison. Madeley’s rule of thumb when smuggling ocelot fur: don’t get caught. Here endeth the lesson.