Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Top Tan Tips

The Thinker asks about my tan, as well she should. I’m surprised a few more of you haven’t requested my top tanning tips given the dismal summer we’ve been having. A tan can make you feel better about life, raise your self esteem, and increase your visibility in traffic at night. I sometimes visit your blogs and see your wan portraits and wonder how you have the nerve to show your poor sallow faces in public. It saddens me because I know I can help you. Even when the weather’s dull, you can still get a good tan if you follow my advice. There’s just no excuse for looking pasty at any time of the year. Unless, of course, you’re suffering from some kind of terrible wasting disease. But even then, I say there are few ailments which can’t be cured by a bit of sun, or failing that, some gravy browning and a large brush.

The first thing to know about my tan is that it’s real. I’m one of the rare people who was born with a tan due to the naturally high levels of melanin in my skin. There was quite a commotion at my birth as doctors tried to explain why I was organge. Even if you’re not blessed by what’s now called ‘The Madeley Syndrome’, you can still get a good tan if you keep your skin tight at all times. Whether you’re lying under the sun, under lamps, or having it sprayed on in a booth by a sixteen year old YTS trainee with a high pressure jet, a tan needs a smooth surface. I use normal clothes pegs to take out the wrinkles from my skin. A couple on the back of my neck will produce a blemish free surface over my face. And when I’m done, I roll over and put a couple of pegs on my lips and eyelids to smooth out the back of my head and my neck. Things get more delicate the further south you go and I’ll leave it to your imagination as to how I get a good tan on my upper thighs.

My other tip is to eat lots of cheese, which is the best way to raise the levels of melanin in your body. In a particularly bad summer, I eat nothing but cheese yet maintain a healthy tan. The weaker cheeses, such as Cheddar, aren’t much use. Mouldy cheeses are the best and this summer I’ve been eating nothing but Roquefort, Gorgonzola, and Stilton. Judy says I smell like a festering camel dumped in an open sewer but I say it’s a price worth paying to look attractive all the year round.

As you can probably tell, I’m a living volume of tanning facts. Did you know that it’s impossible to get a suntan while smoking a pipe? Pipe tobacco produces a smoke that is impervious to the sun’s rays. It’s also difficult – but not impossible – to get a tan if you have a diet high in fish. It’s why you rarely see a sunburnt Eskimo. Did you know that a tan lasts twice as long if you rub margarine or olive oil into it on the first day. Last year, George Hamilton donated his sunbed to the Smithsonian, which can now claim to own the world’s oldest sunbed.

13 comments:

Glamourpuss said...

I fear you lie; I eat an obscene amount of the stinkest cheese imaginable and yet my skin remains a perfect ivory white. Of course, i rarely venture out in daylight, preferring the benefits of moonbathing.

Puss

Dick Madeley said...

I never lie. We might be simply disagreeing on what constitutes 'obscene amounts of the stinkiest cheese'. There is a chemical tipping point which the body reaches when you eat enough cheese. Perhaps you've not eaten enough or perhaps you have a higher tolerance. Also, perhaps your cheese isn't stinky enough.

All these variables need to be taken into account. I would say, if in doubt, consult a doctor who understands the health benefits of cheese.

EmmaK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EmmaK said...

Brilliant stuff...my top tanning tip is, don't waste time on expensive fake tan products. I just rub chili powder into my face to get a similar effect to your skin tone. Just remember to avoid your eyes!

rilly super said...

emma, would you not need to actively avoid the sun after doing that? I fear you might actually marinate...

Graf von Straf Hindenburg said...

That's an interesting tan, Richard. Chip 'n Dale [I don't know if you've read his blog?] has a similar tan ... at least his buttocks do, last time I looked ... not that I look of course ... no way.

The thinker said...

Dear Dick, FanTantastic to hear all those details. Thank you for an indepth answer.
I did catch another small bit of your show yesterday and for the first time ever I noticed you were sitting on the other side of Judy. Were you trying to keep on the Right Side of her for some reason? Have you upset her in some way?

Dick Madeley said...

EmmaK, the chilli powder tanning technique is one I frown on. Cheese is the answer. As Rilly says, you might end up looking like something by Beefeater.

Graf von Straf Hindenburg, another of you mentioning this Chip Dale character. What exactly is he? Should I know him? I'm getting tired of hearing his name mentioned. I’m going to head over to his website now to complain about the way his reputation is spoiling my blog. I don’t know anything his buttocks but I’ll report back if I discover anything.

Thinker, Judy's been keeping an eye on me since I started to blog. She doesn't want me sending out any covert messages. Sitting on her opposite side was my attempt to signal you. She's a bit bling in that eye after an accident while fishing for barracuda off Cape Cod. I forgot she could see me in the studio monitor, so she stopped me when I started to mouth ‘Hello Thinker’. It’s a shame. I had planned on doing my snail dance for the Keeper of the Snails.

Big Chip Dale said...

Oy Madeley! Thanks for the comment you left. Can I help if that people think I'm you? Take it as a compliment, even if I don't. I'm getting tired of being asked if I'm you.

If you're after a blog war, you're coming to the right man. Step back brother! There's nothing worse than angry man in a thong.

Big Chip Dale said...

By the way, I forgot to mention prune juice.

EmmaK said...

Dick/rilly super...the chili technique is controversial but I find it really tightens my pores. Admittedly it does make you reek a bit but it's very cheap.

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