Monday, 20 August 2007

My Weekend With Jane Seymour

Another weekend came to an end with me damp, bloodied, and sitting in a police slammer. Yesterday’s appearance at the Heathrow protest wasn’t as successful as we’d hoped. I was meant to be doing a feature with Jane Seymour on fashion tips for middle class protestors. We’d only been there ten minutes before some balaclava wearing member of SO18 came up to me and cracked me across the forehead with his baton. I tried to protect my face, which is perhaps why he didn’t recognise me, but when I told him I was Richard Madeley, this only seemed to spur him on. He didn’t stop hitting me until I fell unconscious. The last thing I remember is seeing Jane Seymour climbing over a razor-wire fence with an Alsatian hanging from her leg.

I spent the night in jail and got out this morning. My prison diary will hit bookshops next week but I can give you a sneak peak into all the interesting characters I met in there. One was ananarchist who goes by the name Stumpy. He told me some wonderful recipes involving lentils, dandelions, and stinging nettles. I’m trying to get him on the show this week in order to help us fulfill Channel 4's green quoto for this month. Another protestor told me that she works in the make-up department of the BBC and she had some fascinating stories about Natasha Kaplinsky's ears.

I thought I’d be a bit Stumpy-esque and eschew a theme for today’s facts. Let’s have a miscellany of interesting things. Such as the news that Jane Seymour can foresee the future, just like her character in Live and Let Die. She actually lives in the same house in the Caribbean and the only way to visit her is to take a hang glider from the back of speed boat. Did you also know that Heathrow is actually built on a bog and the movement of traffic landing and tacking off is actually rotating the whole site by a degree every ten years. Finally, did you know that Natasha Kaplinsky’s earlobes aren’t her own? She lost the real things many years ago when her earrings were snatched from her by seagulls while she was filming a report in Trafalgar Square.


Glamourpuss said...

Seagulls are a menace.


Anonymous said...

hey its sandy, here is the website i was talking about where i made the extra summer cash.......... the website is here

Dick Madeley said...

Glamourpuss, I've never had much trouble with seagulls except the time I was attacked by one up in Liverpool. I'd just finished the show when one launched itself at my head. Luckily, Fred was with me and he whipped off his jumper and beat the bird away with it.

Anonymous/Sandy, clear off your spamming bugger. Don't you have something better to do than bother one half of TV's favourite talk show couple?

Sir James Beiggelschwarz said...

You remember the Dame Edna introduction:

Now you've been successfully married three times, Jane. What's your secret?

The thinker said...

Dick - I'll return your Passport as soon as you re-pay the Bail money I loaned you - the banks should be open now. Glad to have been able to help. I'm just so pleased you were able to avoid the body search - that would (could) have been embarrassing. I thought you were going to keep the whole thing quiet. Don't forget to mention my help when you write the book.

merry weather said...

Dick you are better online than in life, I suspect. I look forward to your next outrage..

Dick Madeley said...

Sir James, remember it? I wrote it. Just keep my scriptwriting job under you hat. Not many people know about it.

The Thinker, many many thanks for the help. Judy was out for the night and I had nobody else to call. Odd how meeting people on blogs can help you in real life. I'm just glad I had your number. Next time, though, please don't put a file in a cake. I chipped a tooth, as did poor Stumpy and he only had one to begin with.

Merry weather, of course I'm better online. You only get to see the good side of me on here. In real life I'm much more flatulent.

Swearing Mother said...

Richard, Richard, Richard: I can see without my steadying hand you are getting into all sorts of trouble. Whatever next? Please take care not to mix with those rough types any more, you never know where it might lead. Before long you'll be living in a cardboard box or protesting up a tree, without a bottle of fake-tan to your name.

Now do try to behave yourself dear.

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