Thursday, 9 August 2007

More Poles People!

To paraphrase the late Roy Castle: dedication, it’s the name of the game. Or it is if you’re a pole dancer.

After my post yesterday, I was a struck by the interest you all had in my life wrapped around the pole. You wanted to know more. So I’m going to give you more. I’ve asked my tutor, Maximilian Bygravana, to write down a few pole dancing tips. They might help you with your dancing. They might even change your life. I know they have worked for me. If you ever wonder how I mange to wrap my legs into the positions I get them when I sit on the sofa, the secret lies in Maximilian's teachings. The man in a limber genius.

Maximilian’s Top Pole Dancing Tips.

1. Beware the lubricant. Many beginners oil the pole. Don’t. You won’t hang on if it’s wet or covered in anything greasy. Also, don’t oil your thighs. You want them dry if not a little sticky.
2. Chubby thighs. Don’t be ashamed of having chubby thighs. All the great pole dancers have a bit of added meat down there. It will help you hold on longer.
3. Shave your legs. Not obvious until you trap a hair. You have been warned.
4. Stretch. It’s easy to pop a hamstring. Warm up before and warm down afterwards. Don’t pole dance until you’re sure you have a limber crotch.
5. Forget erotic. Pole dancing is more than life in a sleazy strip club. It will soon be an Olympic sport so remember to treat it with respect. If you must grind, don’t smile. If you must smile, don’t grind. It’s a simple rule of thumb.
6. Fake tans are so last year. They can also leave an oily deposit on your pole. See point 1.
7. Make sure your pole is professionally installed. Beginners have been known to break limbs when their poles snapped. Even an amateur can be launched up to forty feet if they're doing a full horizontal revolver when it breaks
8. Help promote the cause of pole dancers by keeping your pole polished and your crotch clean. Remember that if you expect to compete in official competitions, the judges will be inspecting both.
9. Never use bathroom cleaning products on your pole. It can damage the chrome and cause terrible rashes to develop on your thighs.
10. Enjoy. Always enjoy your pole dancing. People might mock you but remember that we’re all part of big pole dancing party and nobody can stop the groove.

Thanks Maximilian. And now since it’s Thursday, how about some extra pole dance facts? Such as the measurement of an Olympic standard pole: 42mm in diameter. The length 8 ft 2 in. Pole dancing is only second Olympic demonstration sport that started out as an erotic dance. The other was Icelandic weasel racing which was a demonstration sport at the 1952 Winter Olympics in Oslo.


Glamourpuss said...

No.5 needs an addendum; perfecting an expression of bored voluptuousness is key. We professional polers adopt this expression as beauty queens adopt the rictus grin - as a mask, to hide the searing pain and effort involved in hanging upside down on a metal pole by one knee.


The thinker said...

I recognition of your services to the blogosphere and pole dancing in particular I've nominated you for an award - which I hope you will pop over and collect some time soon.

I'm sorry I missed the show tonight. Did you wink or twitch at all of us?

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