Monday, 6 August 2007

Soft Like Velvet Soft?

This morning I woke up with terrible indigestion caused by my worrying about the show. Being the main star (my name does come first), I take more of the responsibility when things go wrong. Recently, I’ve become concerned about the quality of ads we’ve been showing in the breaks. I’ve even begun to tape all the shows so I can watch them later in the day and find out what goes on in the breaks.

On Friday night, I wasn’t happy to see that I’d turned and smiled to camera, said 'see you after the break', and then they'd cut to an ad for stool softener. It’s not easy to admit that there has been a gap in my knowledge but I never knew stool softener existed. It took me a while for Judy to explain what it’s for.

That's when things became interesting. The ad didn't work for me on a dramatic level. I couldn’t understand why five women, sitting around in a cafe, would suddenly start discussing the state of their stools. Nor could I understand why one would be carrying stool softener in her bag and happily bring it out, mid latte. Somehow, it didn’t seem appropriate. And then my mind, inquisative as always, began to ask the sorts of questions I knew I had to have answered. How hard is hard? How soft is soft? How did they come up with a solution? How do they handle quality control? Are there any side-effects? And how is this solution better than bananas?

I hope to do a piece on stool softeners this week but in the meantime, it’s Monday, so let’s have some digestion facts.

You probably know that the human body can’t digest corn but did you know it also can’t digest walnut husks, beetle wings, or black cornflakes? The human intestine is three point two miles long but can stretch to nearly twice that length and is springier than bungee cord. Did you know that the gases produced by all the world’s vegetarians cause more damage to the planet that all the diesel engines? The gases from just one digested lentil could power a bulb for seven minutes. Finally, stomach acid is so powerful that prisoners have been known to use it to melt the bars to their jail cells.

11 comments:

rilly super said...

is that the ad where one of the women comes back to the table and announces she's just had a 'right hard shit' or words to that effect?

Why do actors agree to be in these ads? it's like the episode of Friends where Joey appears in a public information poster about VD and suddenly no woman will sleep with him.

Anyway, you're right to be concerned Richard. Perhaps you need to use your charms to get a deal with the BBC...

Dick Madeley said...

I think that's the one. And I believe that was exactly what she said. If my memory serves, it was Joanna Lumley wasn't it?

Unfortunately, the BBC don't do a salary match scheme, so I could never take a pay cut to go work there.

EmmaK said...

Your mind is as sharp as ever, Richard, maybe you could design some kind of power plant to harness all the lentil farts? I for one would be happy to sit around all day eating legumes and farting as long as I was paid for it.

The thinker said...

Well - it's better than that old joke about constipated accountants having to 'work it out with a pencil'.

Swearing Mother said...

Richard: Your post re stool softeners was indeed poetry in motion.

Whilst on the subjection of stools:

Q: What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?

A: One shoots but can't hit and the other hoots but can't shit.

Ta-da!

Dick Madeley said...

What can I say? I think we've hit our level.

Emma. Thanks for that. There's so much talk about renewable energy that I think we tend to forget about the environment advantages on on shore wind farms. I've put your name down on the list should I ever get the scheme off the drawingboard.

Thinker, I've made that my quote of the day. A priceless image. I'm really moved to tears, though I had to explain it to Judy.

Swearing Mother, I've checked with Channel 4 bosses and they won't let me use that joke on tomorrow's show. Apparently, it's still copyrighted to Arthur Askey, circa 1948. However it made me laugh.

Richard Havers said...

More to the point Lee Hazelwood the composer of 'Some Velvet Morning' died today. Is this what prompted your thoughts of soft velvet?

Dick Madeley said...

Richard, I never knew that. Perhaps I picked something up from the airwaves. I've often been complimented on my ability to sense the future. Though I don't like to brag, I'm a touch psychic.

The thinker said...

Seeing searing mother's comment 'poetry in motion' made me think of Parliament - when it is sitting they are often tabling a Motion ...

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