Thursday, 16 August 2007

A Measured Response to Prune Juice

The advantage of having my own weekday show on Channel 4 is that I can put it to good use. I can help people find organ donors, promote a cause, or help expand literacy in the nation’s school. I can also use it to destroy a man. I only mention this in passing. Make of it what you will, Chip Dale.

I also mention in passing that I’ve always hated prunes. I don’t know how Dale knew this as it wasn’t even in my authorised biography but I want him to bring a halt to this prune juice offensive of his. Let’s not put prune juice in the wrong hands. There’s no room in blogging for these terrible weapons of mass disruption. This morning I sent him a message, warning him to bring hostilities to an end by 6pm tonight. So far, I’ve had no response* and I’m taking measures to launch waves of ‘taffy pulling’ on his blog.

On tonight’s show we’ll be doing a feature on people who look ten years older than their real age and we’ll have make up artist Sue Potter in the studio making Flora Smythe, who looks about 93, look more like her real age of 83. It promises to be an exciting show as Professor Raj Persaud (he’s a professor now?) takes Peter Hitchens through some moves in our continuing feature on celebrity Greek wrestling.

Some prune facts which everyone should know before they start spreading the juice around. Did you know that in some parts of South America the stones from prunes are placed in the ears to enhance the effects of cannabis? Prunes are also high in vitamin D and can help you tan more easily. The downside of this is you’ll spend more time on the toilet and, all things being equal, the prune / sunbathing ratio cancels each other out. You might even look paler, though not down the backs of your legs. Prunes are a natural laxative and are good for the digestion, unless you swallow the stones which contain toxins which produce a effect similar to LSD, including a strange psychosis in which you believe your stools are singing light Italian opera.

* 4PM UPDATE: Dale's now given up, citing humanitarian grounds and the peace-making skills of Graf von Straf Hindenburg. I think we all know he was worried that Judy would mock his manhood on tonight's show. The first Prunic War has come to an end with a victory for Madeley and the forces of good. Now let the church bells ring.

18 comments:

Graf von Straf Hindenburg said...

Sliva we call it over here and it's highly regarded for the digestion. Chip Dale better get wise quickly.

Glamourpuss said...

Light Italian opera makes most experiences more pleasant.

Puss

Dick Madeley said...

Surely the Hindenburgs don't have any problems in that area? Personally, I hate prunes. It all goes back to my school days when they'd be served which white sauce. Horrible.

(And incidentally: why, Graf, must you mention that man's name? This is war. I won't have you fraternizing with the enemy.)

Glamourpuss, at last a sensible comment that doesn't mention prune juice. For me, the thought of stools singing light opera to me is preferable than the real thing. I'd much rather listen to my Foster & Allen CD.

Big Chip Dale said...

Prune juice. Prune juice. Prune juice. Prune juice. Prune juice. Prune juice. Prune juice. Prune juice. Prune juice. Prune juice.

Now bring on the taffy Madeley.

Ms Baroque said...

Sorry, Dick - you know I'm crazy about you. In fact my kid's friend is going to be on your show tomorrow, by the way, dancing on "Strictly Dog Dancing" with her pooch, Louis, and I do want you to be nice to her! - but I gotta side with Chip here. You know. I'm a thonglateer. One for all and all for one.

Dick Madeley said...

Ms Baroque, I can't say I understand your loyality to that man, but I appreciate your honesty. And at least you didn't mention the juice. I'll take that as you sitting on the fence.

Ms Baroque said...

Dick in that case I must ask you for a cushion...

All Shook Up said...

Interestingly, nobody has ever seen a prune in its natural, unstewed state. Need I say more?

The thinker said...

Dick - I do think before you wage war on a fruit of mass destruction that you should be taking into consideration the millions of people who have to partake of these things. I'm talking of those folk who would take a 'natural remedy' rather than a toxic stool softener such as a latte as per your recent posting at .http://richardmadeley.blogspot.com/2007/08/soft-like-velvet-soft.html
Also stop getting at stools so much. What have they done to harm you? First we had weak kneed soft stools - now singing ones!

Dick Madeley said...

Ms. Baroque, Judy says you can one of the cushions off the sofa but she also thinks you should come over to my side. We're launching taffy in the direction of that fool Dale at 6pm sharp.

All Shook Up, I thought a prune is a shrivelled raisin. Or am I mistaken? Is that a sultana?

Thinker, you think too much. It's mere coincidence that I'm blogged on stools twice.

Now if I could all get on message and launch a taffy assault on Dale, I think I might win this war.

Big Chip Dale said...

Hindenburg suggests that we act like adults. I respect the man, so I'm happy to be the one to do the adult thing.

If you apologise for the things you've said, I'll stop this business with the prunes.

Dick Madeley said...

I'm happy to call a halt to hostilities. I think I've made my point. But I won't apologise. Why should I? Your name was beginning to get like a rash that spread over my blog. I'm just happy I had the ointment called Hindenburg to get rid of you.

I have to rush now to get ready for tonight's show.

Big Chip Dale said...

I'm not going to rise to your taunts, Dick. If you won't apologise, I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

Enjoy the show. As they say: break a leg. And if you can't manage a leg, how about your neck?

Swearing Mother said...

Richard: isn't a prune a dried plum? Honestly, I would have thought you of all people would be familiar with fruit.

Yours,

etc., etc.,

Richard Havers said...

I'm ever so slightly surprised that you don't mention Prune Juice - the wonderful song by Eric and Roseann Endres

Prune juice. Prune juice.
Makes you want to move your caboose.
If you don't drink it, you're a silly goose.
So, get loose with prune juice.
Get loose with prune juice.

Dick Madeley said...

Swearing Mother: of course I knew that. I was trying to promote anti-prune propaganda. If we can convince people that they're shrivelled sultanas, we might upset the market and be rid of the horrible things.

Richard, you're a true Richard, a master of 1001 facts! I didn't know that song but I've got my researchers tracking it down for tonight's show. I'll see if Judy will let me play it over the closing credits.

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