Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Pole Position

When I started to take pole dancing lessons last year, I never realised what an obsession it would become. Nor did I truly appreciate what flexibility it would give my lower back. You might ridicule me but what began as a ten minute feature on the show has now become my regular form of exercise three nights a week. Judy has even allowed me to install a pole in the house. I wanted it in the bedroom but we compromised on the garage. It’s now got to the point that I can’t feel totally relaxed unless I’m upside down, doing the splits, and wearing hot pants. I’ll be talking more about this tonight so make sure you tune in and see me take Kerry Katona through a few basic moves.

I can't think of a better reason than it being Wednesday to give you some pole dancing facts. Traditional poles use in pole dancing are made from sterilized chrome. Bacteria cannot live on them. Pole dancing requires the use of more muscles in the body than any other form of physical exercise except championship darts. Different height of poles are available, with extreme sports enthusiasts using poles that are nearly 38 feet high. Pole dancing is to be banned in Scotland under new rules that demand that all publicly funded forms of exercise have to be kilt friendly. Other celebrities who use pole dancing to keep trim include Noel Edmonds and Jeremy Clarkson.


Glamourpuss said...

And I thought you were joking when you mentioned it yesterday...

I'm not sure how I feel about male pole dancers - I know a few, but it involves too much waxing for my taste.

Where did you learn?


Swearing Mother said...

Richard! I have just seen an ad in The Times which offers heated poles for winter-time or outdoor pole-dancing. I am sure they would give you a job demonstrating same and I hope you don't mind, I've put your name forward as an expert in this field. All you would need to bring with you would be a fur-lined leotard and a fixed smile.

Apparently the music will be "I Like The Way You Move" by the Bodyrockers. Just your sort of thing. Don't bother to thank me, just happy to help you with your hobby.

Best wishes.

Mopsa said...

This just gets weirder. I picture you, sprawled (neatly) on your couch of an evening, imagining that the psychiatrist is perched just out of your line of vision, dreaming or dredging up good stuff to share. Somehow I just can't squirrel Judy into the frame.

The thinker said...

No, in Scotland they call it a caber and prefer to toss it rather than prance around it. They think it is more masculine.

violincjj said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Keeper of the Snails said...

Dear Richard,

Unfortunately I missed your demonstration on the show today (though I am sure it was superb)but was so inspired by your post that I have decided to take it up myself.

Tesco Direct I notice do three sorts of pole: the traditional chrome, the teflon and the reinforced stainless steel (which comes with its own concrete base). Do you have any advice on which I should choose?

I am 4 feet six, weigh twenty-two stones and have a slight amount of gangrene in my left toe.

Richard Havers said...

I had no idea until now where the term pole position came from....

Dick Madeley said...

Glamourpuss, I never joke about my hobbies. And to prove the point, I've posted on it again today, with a picture of my tutor.

Swearing Mother, I'll endorse anything with Judy's approval, though heated poles can sometimes burn the inner thigh.

Mopsa, it's normality to me. I just tell you about my days.

The Thinker, I can assure you that there's nothing more masculine than me upside down and doing the splits wearing my hotpants.

Comment Deleted, I agree.

Keeper of the Snails, you really can't beat the stainless steel. It doesn't stain and the concrete base sells itself. Four feet six is a perfect height for a pole dancer and twenty two stone should give you plenty of momentum once you get spinning. Just keep your thighs tightly wrapped around the pole and don't let go. I mean it. For the love of all that's holy: don't let go.

Richard, I'm here to inform you about things you never knew. Pole position actually means 'gripped by the thighs'. Check your OED. You'll see that I'm right.

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