Monday, 14 July 2008

On Jeremy Clarkson's Cruel Mockey of Bill Oddie

Necks are very much like testicles. Nobody takes you seriously when you injure them.

I reflected on this when I arrived at the breakfast table this morning, having just endured two painful hours simply trying to get dressed. My condition hadn’t been helped by the bad choices I’d made when it came to put on my trousers. The severity of my bad neck made it impossible to look down to see where I was putting my legs. I had spent half an hour trying to get into my pants before I arrived at the only logical conclusion: that I should hang my trousers from the wardrobe’s door knob and then drop into them from a great height.

And that hadn’t been the success I’d anticipated...

I’d climbed on the wardrobe well enough and from there I’d launched myself on a perfect trajectory to drop me squarely into my jeans. Only, in the process of coming into land, I managed to bash my testicles against the wardrobe’s handle. The pain in my neck was matched by a greater one down below where I now have a minimalistic bruise shaped like an Ikea doorknob and with that same Scandinavian flair.

‘You could have come to help me,’ I said to Judy later, as I rummaged through the freezer drawer.

She was busy preparing our packed lunches to take to the Channel 4 studios and was busy peeling sprouts. ‘I have more important things to do than bother about your neck,’ she said. ‘And I’ve just had a phone call from Bill Oddie. He sounded extremely annoyed.’

‘As I imagine he would be,’ I replied as I slid a bag of frozen runner beans down the front of my trousers in the hope they’d help reduce the swelling around my own recently peeled sprouts. ‘Jeremy was very unfair on him on last night’s Top Gear.’

‘I think there’s something wrong with Jeremy.’

‘Clearly wrong,’ I agreed. ‘He knows how much Bill Oddie means to me and that’s why he’s going out of his way to ruin the man’s reputation among the Japanese. He clearly suspects that my blog has a very large readership around the Pacific Rim.’

Judy sliced off an ear of cheese and began to nibble on it before she turned on the red onions. The onions stood no chance.

‘You should do something to cheer Bill up,’ she said. ‘You could invite him on the show. You always have fun making vulgar allusions to tits.’

‘And believe me, Judy, there’s nothing I’d love to do more. Only, it’s impossible due to Bill’s contract with the BBC. As one of the BBC’s Untouchables, they won’t allow him to appear on any other channel. Do you know that they’ve had him electronically tagged? He makes one false move towards Channel 4 and they send out a snatch squad to take him back.’

‘That’s terrible,’ said Judy. ‘I can’t believe the BBC could be so cruel.’

‘Believe me, Jude. I’ve seen it happen. You don’t know terror until you’ve seen Huw Edwards in a balaclava dragging an innocent birdwatcher from the street just because he strayed off course following a migratory heron towards the South Bank.’

‘I always wished that we were untouchable,’ mused Judy.

I looked down at the peas to check that they weren’t melting over my untouchables.

‘Look,’ I said, ‘before we head off to do the show, I’ll send Bill an email and ask him about his owls. That usually does the trick.’

‘That would be nice,’ said Judy. ‘But don’t email. Ring him up. You know he finds your voice soothing.’

Which is exactly what I did, not much later, once my loins had been frozen numb and I’d returned a pack of defrosted runner beans back to the vegetable drawer.
‘Hello. Bill Oddie,’ piped Bill Oddie in a key above the Lesser Greebled Throatwarbler.

‘Bill? It’s Dick. I understand you rang earlier.’

‘I did. I did. I wanted to chat about that Clarkson fellow. Rather rude about me last night, I figured. What did he think he was doing driving around Japan in a mask of my face?’

‘He was being rude, Bill. That’s all it was. He was using the material from my life to make cruel jokes about the nation’s favourite twitcher.’

‘He did. He did. I noticed that. And that’s why I rang. I wondered if there’s any way we can get him back. I had thought about an otter.’

‘An otter?’

‘Stuff one down his trousers. Then I thought it would be a bit cruel and probably wouldn’t look too good with the RSPCA people if I go stuffing a live otter down Jeremy Clarkson’s trousers. And a dead one wouldn’t be any use.’

‘I doubt if there’s room down Jeremy’s jeans for an otter, living or dead,’ I said. ‘Of course, we could give it a go. He might take it as a warning and would think twice about making fun of the two of us.’

‘I didn’t notice that he made much fun of you, Dick.’

‘He mocked my beaver,’ I explained. ‘He said that you could spot it from a mile away. Now how many people do you know that own a real beaver?’

‘True,’ said Oddie.

‘And that means he was also mocking Stephen Fry give that we’ve named the beaver after the Great Man.’

‘Look,’ said Bill. ‘Leave this with me. We clearly need to do something about Clarkson. I’ll give it some thought and I’ll get back to you. I know a man who might be able to lay his hands on a swarm of locusts.’

‘Locusts sound good to me, Bill,’ I said. ‘But let’s leave it for a few weeks. I’m suffering a bad neck and I can still feel an Ikea wardrobe handle between my legs.’

‘Will do,’ said Bill. ‘After all, revenge is a dish best served cold.’

‘As are otters,’ I said before I could stop myself. I had simply forgotten who I was talking to.

‘Otters?’ asked Bill.

‘Oh, a bad joke,’ I replied, happy to get off the phone but not as happy as moments later when I hit the speed dial on the keypad marked ‘1’ and I heard a familiar voice.

‘Ah, ’tis I Fry, on my still fully functioning iPhone.’

‘Stephen? It’s Dick. Quick word of warning. If you happen to get chatting to Bill, don’t mention that cold otter stew we had last week. He wouldn’t understand and he’s feeling a touch temperamental due to Jeremy’s jokes.’

‘Will do, or rather, I won’t do, despite it being rather a sumptuous otter stew and one’s natural inclination is to state as much in a loud theatrical voice whilst standing on some high public projection of great prominence. Ah, Richard... Were I more callous man, I would have taken even more pride in that stew if I could have clubbed those otters to death myself. The gristle of an otter tail is this year’s taste sensation but that it leads you into those simply scrumptious bits of otter belly, touched by the brine of the North Sea, gently mellowed under a Scottish sun! Heavens. And the taste of those lovely otter feet, Dick! Weren’t they just something to die for? Weren’t they just?’

‘They were indeed,’ I replied, ‘and it remains a distinct possibility that we will die for those feet if Bill ever finds out that we’ve been eating his relations.’

‘Ah,’ said Fry. ‘Heavens. Gosh. Hushed silence. Groan.’

But for my neck, I would have shrugged. For the second time in an hour I was glad to hang up the phone.

Some days, you really don’t know what you’re getting into just by getting up in the morning.


Nige said...


Dick Madeley said...

Thank you Nige.

Now, you were saying about these butterflies?

Anonymous said...

Now, forgive a girl who doesn't have a clue about TV... but did Jeremy Clarkson really drive around with a Bill Oddie mask, laughing at him on his show? Or is this just more patented Madeley insanity?

Ah, you know it's a good blog when you have no clue with 99 % of it is true or not...

Dick Madeley said...

Katharos, what reason would I have to lie?

On last night's Top Gear, Clarkson was clearly stealing all my best material. Have a look here and tell me what you think. The Bill Oddie bit is at 7 minutes.

Barbara said...

I watched the episode in question last night and unless Bill Oddie is planning on doing some driving in China he should be fine. It may even be an honor to have your face chosen to fool the speed cameras.

Anonymous said...


TV is insane. Cars are insane. THE WHOLE WORLD IS INSANE.

He should get a bike. They don't have license plates, and he'll have actually EARNT his speed.

Also, isn't driving like that really dangerous? o.O

Anonymous said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

Anonymous said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,