Monday, 28 January 2008

The Truth About My Underpants

Thanks to Bertas, I’m made aware of more anti-Madeley slander doing the rounds. Only, this time, the newspapers are making a mountain out of a molehill. Or a mountain out of my crotch, which, I’ll let you know, is completely free from moles and looks nothing like a hill.

It defies reason that journalists should rehash old news where there are so many interesting stories breaking in the world. I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that I don’t wear underpants and I’ve always been quite open when it comes to admitting that I go commando whenever and wherever I can. It’s not as though I hide the fact. I often leave my flies down at home, though, naturally, not when we have guests. Judy has long since grown accustomed to my flaps being open and the aircraft nosing its way from the hangar. Which, again, leaves me bemused that the newspapers are making such a fuss.

I wouldn’t mind but I’m not the only one who practises the mildest form of naturism. Among the many celebrities I’ve tried brought into the fold, so to speak, are Jimmy Savile and David Walliams. They both took leaflets from me and, I would hope, saved on their laundry bills. It is, I repeat, the best way you can all save the planet. If you were all to abandon underwear, you would help reduce the nation’s energy costs by around 14% per year. We would use less water and fewer detergents, while, for we gentlemen, providing adequate ventilation in vital regions where tight underwear stifles our most basic functions, such as producing seed, scratching ourselves, and playing the bassoon.

So, again, I beg you to ignore the anti-Madeley spin the media give this non-story. You heard the truth from me. Now I suggest you do the sensible thing: pants off, undies in the bin, and feel the breeze down below. I swear that you’ll thank me for it later.

13 comments:

Selena Dreamy said...

For 70 years Mills & Boon have produced novels promoting romantic passion in which the hero and heroine live happily ever after, and now the media go and spoil it all by printing a statement like this: "Richard's undercarriage flaps freely."

That is perfectly and precisely what I wanted to know at this moment...

Dreamy (deeply traumatized)!

Richard Madeley said...

Selena, I absolutely agree. I had a long story to post today but I've also been left traumatized by this shabby bit of reporting. I always try to explain my underwear situation as delicately as I can to those people who might not understand it. Naturally, the media like to ridicule a man who has done nothing but good for the country. I get sick and tired of the way the media disrespect me.

bertas said...

Oh but Richard's Free Willy was even worse :)

Sorry Richard old chum it really had me in stitches... :)
Here, here dont you get all worked up about it, just have a cup of hot cocoa...

The Twitch said...

quote "pants off, undies in the bin and feel the breeze down below.I swear you'll thank me for it later"
Thanks a lot Dick...I've just been arrested for indecent exposure....
I told the police my name is Richard Madeley.

Richard Madeley said...

Bertas, I tend to think that a cup of cocoa is the answer to most problems but the media's misrepresentation of my genitals is sadly not one of them.

Titch, there was an assumed 'put your trousers back on' in there. However, you mustn't complain. You get to meet lots of interesting people in prison.

The Twitch said...

I'm not bothered if the police do decide to bang me up....I'll have plenty of free time for "playing the bassoon" as you so politely put it. Anyway I think I'll get off with a caution because of the circumstances.

fatboyfat said...

I misread that instruction and have been "playing the baboon".

I'm not entirely sure that the gentle souls at Whipsnade will ever let me back in there again.

okbye said...

I was conveniently not wearing underpants before I started reading this, thank you for the validation.

lee said...

I can't imagine that Judy could be convinced to ditch her undies to go out in sympathy with you, even to save on laundry bills.She is a lady and, as such, will keep her knickers on. I don't know how she puts up with you, I really don't.

jillydoc said...

I suspect you mean men when you write of going commando? I mean if all women were to go nipples to the wind, there might be heck to pay. Or rather medical bills, i.e. steaks for eyes blackened by runaway breasts, dressings for cuts and bruises of women who fall over because their center of gravity has shifted unexpectedly.

We don't have a NHS in the US, so think Richard!

Mind you, I do recall that my ex used to have to adjust himself even when he went commando. He'd try to hide it and I'd always watch. Of course I found that incredibly sexy.

Oh, and watch out for that hot cocoa. You don't have enough lap protection I think.

Richard Madeley said...

Twitch, it they let you off it will be because of your delightful bassoon playing.

Fatboyfat, no, no, no... Playing a baboon is not recommended. They are hard to hold and it's indecent where you're meant to put your lips and blow.

Lee, please! Don't say the 'K' word. It makes me feel quite uncomfortable.

Jillydoc, the hot cocoa is only a problem for the first few weeks. Your loins eventually become used to the daily grind. The real problem is the dropped flies. Without a second layer to keep us in, we men who go commando are living on the edge. One slip and we're in the land of indecency.

rilly super said...

oh richard, it's so refreshing to hear a celebrity talking about bollocks instead of just talking..well, you get the gist

I once met a chap who told me he went commando, oh no, just a sec, sorry, he was actually a commando...hmm, I always wondered why he reacted so indignently to my comments upon him telling me this

Richard Madeley said...

Rilly, the odd thing about all this is that all the commandos I know, don't actually go commando.