Friday's Search Terms

Some days are particularly fruitful in the world of the internet search engines. In the last twenty four hours, I’ve had visitors searching for the following terms, which I shall now attempt to address to the best of my considerable ability.

"Who is Mrs Jeremy Clarkson?"

Mrs Jeremy Clarkson is the wife of Jeremy Clarkson, TV host, the nation’s favourite baiter of badgers, and professional strongman. Her name is Frances and she holds the female land speed record which she set at 655mph in Jeremy’s rocket car.

"Do women fancy trannies?"

Tough question. I would say that it depends on the tranny. Generally woman prefer MP3 players as the sound quality on even the most modern transistor radio isn’t as good as you can get from a basic MP3 player. Whereas MP3 players now come with touch screen controls, trannies are generally stuck with knobs which can be fiddly and hard to use when your fingers are cold.

"Tell me about midgets in orange jackets"

Good question. Simply put: it is the law. Since 2004, all European midgets have been forced to wear luminous orange jackets to make them visible in crowds. This rule was brought into effect after a spate of high profile accidents involving taller people tripping over midgets in public places.

"Stephen Fry taxi blog"

Stephen does write a blog from his taxi. The address of the ‘Stephen Fry Taxi Blog’ is known to only a few close friends and I couldn’t possibly publish it here. It is, I can assure you, one of the best blogs out there and even wittier than his public blog. No, honestly, I wish you could read it. It is genius. Pure genius.

"Richard Madeley penis model"

So what if I did? I was young and needed the money. The pictures were all tastefully shot in black and white and though I was nude there was nothing wrong with that. It was the 1970s. We were all nude back then. Except for Harold Wilson, who you wouldn’t want to see nude. Even with his pipe. You would want to see me nude, though. Prints are available at a reasonable price. Email me if you’re interested.

"Technically a midget in UK"

To be a midget in the UK you have to be less that four feet nine inches tall. The most surprising aspect of this fact isn’t that Ronnie Corbett is classed as a midget but that Noel Edmonds is too. It’s something of an in-joke within the media, just don’t mention it to Noel’s face… the next time you’re down there.

"Midget riding a donkey pic"

Officially this is Google’s most popular search term. There are many images of midgets riding donkeys, but the most famous resource is probably www.midgetsridingadonkey.com.

"Does Chuck Norris wear dentures?"

Yes. As I've explained on many previous occasions, he has two pairs. One for everyday use and another for films when he wants to sneer. His sneering dentures are slightly larger and ride higher on the gum.

"How did Eric Church meet his wife"

What an interesting question! I’m glad somebody has finally asked me that. Many of you won’t know who Eric Church is, which is odd given that he’s the UK’s top fiddle-playing gynaecologist. He’s played the fiddle between the thighs of some of the country’s most famous women and the odd man too. He met his wife, Sandra, at a banjo and fiddle convention in Stockport. Sandra is an expert banjo player as well as being an ear, nose and throat expert with a Middlesex Hospital Trust.

"Richard Madeley bog"

This happened only three minutes ago and I had to include it since it’s such an odd thing to ask me about. There only interesting fact I can tell you about this is that there are no locks in the Madeley home. Digestion is a normal function of the human body so why should we be ashamed and hide it away? I’ve lost count of the number of times that Judy has walked in on me mid-movement. In fact, some of the best conversations we’ve ever had took place while I was elbow to kneecap. I recommend it to all married couples. Unmarried too. If it doesn’t break you, it will bring you closer together.

[Update: Judy has just pointed out that 'bog' might be a mistyped 'blog' and I needn't have gone into all this detail. However, I think it's interesting and helpful advice, so I'll let it stay.]

"Does Chuck Norris have any hobbies?"

I can barely keep up this afternoon with all the queries coming into the blog. Now a visitor from Dallas asks if Chuck Norris has any hobbies. I’ve had to ring Stephen for an answer to this one and he’s quite certain that Chuck does have hobbies. Apparently, Chuck’s hobbies are breeding horses, sculpting decorative mullions, oriental cooking, and Subbuteo. I'm glad we could help.