Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Stephen Fry Reviews The Harrison Tweed P7200 Magnetic Flies

Bless you and your little pumping hearts for trying, but I beg you to trouble me no more with manatee related gifts. I can assure you that the manatee novelty does not last. A man has only so much room in his life for stuffed manatees, manatee towels, tea cosies, or, indeed, t-shirts on manatee related themes. The Post Office have informed me that they’ll impose a manatee tax on deliveries to Fry Towers should the flow of this manatee merchandise not abate. So, please, my dear sweet and sometimes insufferable friends: no more. Send your manatees elsewhere. Anywhere but send them not to me.

Now I have stated my position on my manatee problem, I would like to take this opportunity to also appeal for calm on another issue. My arm has indeed been cracked asunder but take not your worries out on the one man who has promised to set it right. Richard Madeley is a generous man. Much misunderstood by the British public he may be, but in private he is a man blessed with healing fingers and thumbs to match. If my knowledge of obscure authorities in the Catholic church isn’t to fail me, I believe it was Saint Francis de Sales who advised us to make ourselves ‘familiar with the angels, and behold them frequently in spirit; for without being seen, they are present with you.’ Well, make myself familiar with angels I have certainly done. His name is Dick and I would happily swear on the infernal suffrage of all tweed-loving Englishmen that I don’t not understand why you should continue to vilify him.

To underline my devotion to the man whose spare room I now call my home, your favourite Uncle Stephen has gone buttock to seat to prepare something for this blog. He creased a brow to consider the many subjects ripe for the Fry treatment. Should he give you a primer on writing lyrics of light English operetta? No, you have that already. A field manual for fixing battle wounds? Perhaps next week. Needlecraft for the crafty? Edible toe fungi? Effluent disposal in the Kenyan National Park? No, no and no. Instead, I looked down and saw the subject of today’s article staring right at me. I would review my flies! But, fear not for Stephen. There are not any old flies. I should say “Strewth” and compound my surprise with one of these “!” if it were so. These flies are made by the good people at Harrison Tweed. They are the Harrison Tweed P7200 Magnetic Flies no less. They are flies to savour. Pat one’s belly and say “Yum!” after me. Yum!

Restricted to the use of my left hand, I decided this week was the right time to upgrade the Fry flies. I am currently putting the P7200 Magnetic Flies through their trials and flying through the trials the new Fry flies most certain are. They come pre-installed on any Harrison Tweed trousers but can be fitted to any pants that have either zip or button fastening. The compact design, weighing less than two grammes, ensures that there is no unsightly sagging about the crotch, while the prototypes’ notorious faults have also been fixed so there’s no need to worry about your groin spontaneously igniting. Nor, indeed, your eyebrows. Shudder.

One armed men among you will find the magnetic flies’ voice operated mechanism a boon. With a simple to set top secret code word, I can have my flies open with no trouble. The only drawback I can see is the number of occasions when my flies have opened when in conversation with a friend. My advice: choose you secret word carefully. Setting it to ‘I like you hat, Mrs. Wogan’ caused your friend Fry no end of embarrassment at a recent drinks party at the BBC.

Many of you will find the WIFI feature of the Harrison flies a deal breaker. Remotely operated via a suitably equipped laptop, you will always have up to the date minute report on the state of your flies while on the move. The position is tracked to the closest millimetre via GPS so you should have peace of mind about the security of your loins. Indeed, remote sensing is not the end of the Harrison flies tricks. We’re talking about remote operation too. The flies can automatically open in a class leading 0.2 seconds. Lordy, lordy, zip! That’s nearly half a second over its competitors and nearly a second faster than on their manual setting.

The flies are compatible with European protocols, though be warned: there may be a few moments of delay while the flies enter into prolonged handshaking with foreign models. Quel surprise! With integrated alarm, the flies are also protected against intrusion. The manufacturers also assure us that recent reports of East European gangs accidentally hacking into the flies have overstated the problem. All flies now come with a flywall installed, to stop those virtual gropists having access to all your important data, and, indeed, fleshy goods.

When friends next ask me to recommend a set of flies to them, I will not hesitate to point a finger to my Harrison P7200 magnetic flies with WIFI functionality and declare them the best on the market. For the man on the move, or the man with only one arm, they are the best magnetic flies on the market. With the next firmware update promising extending functionality including scrotum detection to prevent those painful bathroom snags, the future of the Harrison flies leaves your Uncle Stephen quivering with excitement. Quiver. Quiver. Quiver.

14 comments:

mutleythedog said...

Do they have automatic foreskin detection for avoidance of those 'oh I got my foreskin caught in my zipper' moments? If not I suggest you upgrade them immediately.

Richard Madeley said...

I'll check to see if his mention of 'scrotum detection to prevent those painful bathroom snags' also includes foreskin. And can I thank you for what is a lovely topic of conversation when a man's just got home from the gym. (I didn't even know Stephen had posted this and he'd done it all one handed.)

Selena Dreamy said...

Many of you will find the WIFI feature of the Harrison flies a deal breaker...The position is tracked to the closest millimetre via GPS so you should have peace of mind about the security of your loins.


Sold!

I'll take two... for good peace of mind for both: front and the rear!

AxmxZ said...

So... Professor Prune has got himself a pair of Electric Time Trousers, eh? :)

bertas said...

I love this pants, do they do it in less then giant sizes? I mean its Mr. Fry after all :)
Alas for the flies... well Mutley you have reminded me of that scene There is something about Mary, now that looked absolutely dreadful, so I sympathize with you boys... :)

lee said...

I am sitting here cringing at the thought of skin being caught in a zipper. It's too eqrly in the day for this sort of talk.

jillydocla said...

Dear Richard,

How awful to have people profess opinions based on incorrect assumptions! I am so sorry that some feel the need to denigrate people they don't know.
Of course neither do I really know you, especially living in Los Angeles and having never seen your show. Nevertheless, I very much like your blog and that's a reflection of you so I feel I know you a little. As I said before Stephen is lucky to have as good a friend as you.

I was so happy to read Stephen's comments on the Harrison Tweed P7200 Magnetic Flies. Do they also make an automatic bra fastener? Or mechanical pantyhose fetterer? Sometimes one feels rather like a contortionist trying to herd one's wobbly bits into some semblance of order. Of course Stephen wouldn't do the reviews, but I would be willing, in a pinch, if called upon.

Jillydoc

The Titch said...

I feel I must apologise to Stephen for my rude outbursts aimed at his goodself. My missive mania was caused by a lack of medication. I have corrected myself by doubling my daily dosage and now the world and Fry are back to being wonderful.

bertas said...

Ah Titch thats so nice... well I dont mean about the medication, thats dreadful...
he is funny though isnt he? There is nothing like an episode of Qi to cheer me...

Richard Madeley said...

Selena, I've been in contact with Harrisons. They're sending you two flies with their compliments.

Ax, no but I'd love some Electric Time Trousers.

Bertas, that film is our worst nightmare. I think that's why the invention of magnetic flies is such a breakthrough for humankind.

Lee, don't think of it too long. Which is oddly what Judy always tells me when I get stuck. Don't think. Just pull. Quickly.

Jilly, so nice to see a new name in the comments. Harrisons are a progressive company so I don't see why not. I think there would a market for a pantyhose fetterer. It sounds exciting, in not slightly risqué.

Titch, keep the dose and I hope your outbursts will reduce. I'd had to hear of you going on a blood thirsty rampage.

Bertas, I'm beginning to detect far too much love for Stephen Fry on this blog. You never mention watching my show or that fact that I can cheer you up. I say it again: you're only here for Fry!

elberry said...

The image of Stephen Fry quivering as he contemplates his flies is, well, quiversome.

bertas said...

Richard, although I do think your show can be quite informative (didnt you mention something about whistling belly buttons just the other day?) I do have to admit what makes me cheer up is your writing... :)and thats an honest truth.
Now is that better? :) I'd hope so...

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