Saturday, 28 July 2007

Bottle My Thighs

Judy asked me this morning if I believed recent reports that suggest fat friends make a person fat. I told her that I’ve never given it much thought, though I’ve read much of the research into obesity that has come out in the last ten years. I’m a bit of an obesity skeptic. While many distinguished scientists have argued that obesity is caused by an overactive thyroid, and others say it’s caused by an idle metabolism, I think it’s more likely the result of an overactive mouth idling around cake shops. I know some of you will think it harsh of me to say this, given that I’m blessed with one of the most lust after bodies, but I believe in telling people the truth about their problems.

Since Channel4 have started to show the show in widescreen, I’ve often argued that we should have a Richard&Judy fat club, only for the producers to tell me that it would only make viewers turn off. I’ve suggested a more TV-friendly alternative would be liposuction, which happens to celebrate its 50th birthday this year. Again, they hated the idea, even though things have moved on in the world of fat suction since the first machines (above) made their way into American surgeries and the operators had to stand in a different room in case of a blowback.

Today’s facts are to do with liposuction. Did you know, for instance, that the fat removed from bodies during liposuction has to be dumped into the open sea within 24 hours? Body fat left longer than that begins to separate into its constituent elements including nitrogen and glycerin and can, in the right circumstances, explode. In World War I, experiments were made using the rotting carcasses of animals to produce explosives. A mouldy badger was discovered to produce enough chemicals to fill an artillery shell which led to the French government starting a top secret project to breed overweight badgers for this very purpose. It was called off when a farmer attacked one of the badgers with a spade and the poor animal detonated, killing the farmer and leaving a forty foot badger shaped hole in the ground.

13 comments:

Swearing Mother said...

Richard. I personally never make friends with anyone unless they ARE fat, as standing next to them makes me look more sylph-like. I will, however, make an exception in your case as the kudos I would gain from being a friend of Richard Madeley's would be fantastic. And let's face it Richard, who would be looking at the size of my thighs when they could be looking at you instead.

With very best wishes.

PS - Hope this fine weather has meant that Judy has managed to finish cleaning out the guttering at last - being up a ladder in such stormy weather can play havoc with one's coiffure.

Richard Madeley said...

I can assure you that one of Judy's best qualities is her fearless nature. She loves nothing more than being lashed to the chimney at the height of a storm. We have the cleanest gutters in the street due to her tireless work cleaning them out.

Miss Understood said...

I'm disgusted. You're only #93 on the list? Who the hell votes for these things anyway?

Flowerpot said...

next time I'm swimming in the sea down here in Cornwall and I see great globules floating by me, I'll know that it isn't a jellyfish then. One good thing about this sodding weather is that I'm very unlikely to swim.

The thinker said...

How fascinating - I had no idea that early liposuction was so dangerous for the operators of the vacuum - it just goes to show how indebted we should be to the early pioneers in science and technology.
Being a very lardy lady myself I console myself with the thought that if I should ever fall into the north sea from a capsized luxury cruiser I would last longer than the skinny ones - I may even last long enough to be rescued. I also float effortlessly believe me it does have advantages.

Swearing Mother said...

Richard! Went to a BBQ last night, was standing around sipping a gin and admiring the garden when BOOM! Bits of badger everywhere! If it hadn't been for your post re exploding badgers, etc., Richard, I would have been certain that this was the action of a terrapin* cell and made a complete fool of myself running round in a blind panic. At least, thanks to you, I knew it was probably due to rotting badger cellulite rather than other more sinister causes, so was able to reassure everyone accordingly. Total mayhem narrowly avoided. Phew.

I am so grateful to you.

*(Please see SM post, "Sh*t Happens" for key. Still not happy typing the "T" word).

I Beatrice said...

An UNDER-active thyroid Richard, surely..........?

I didn't expect you, of all the clever people, to make such a fundamental mistake!

Richard Madeley said...

Miss Understood: disgusted is the only way to handle such injustice.

Flowerpot: you're so right. The majority of giant jellyfish spotted in British waters aren't actually jellyfish but hip fat.

Thinker: there's much to be said about avoiding lipsuction, not least the fact that you'd be helping to kill cod in the North Sea who are dying because they find it hard to digest human flab.

Swearing Mother: you've now conviced me to mention exploding badgers on the show. It's hardly discussed in the media, yet causes at least one fatality each year.

Beatrice: you're right and I'm glad to spotted it. I dictate this blog to my assistant each morning and this isn't the fist mistake she's made. I've now given her a final warning. The next time you spot a mistake on this blog, you must tell me so I can dismiss her immediately. Perhaps she won't make as many mistakes when she has to support her poor sick mother on unemployment.

The thinker said...

Dear Dick - I notice from this post that you are attempting to schmooze Bryan Appleyard now.
I wouldn't want you to miss an opportunity and would like to draw to your attention another blogging male. I'm sure you would get along very well. You may like to visit Mr Angry. He is nowhere near as nasty as he sounds. In fact you rather remind me of him.

Richard Madeley said...

I attempt to schmooze with anybody. In fact, I rather believe they try to schmooze with me.

I've not heard of Mr. Angry. Who is he? Does he have a website? I need more details if I'm to allow him to schmooze with me.

The thinker said...

Mr Angry can be found at the following address:

http://www.iamlivid.com/

Enjoy each other's company.
All the best

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