Friday, 27 July 2007


I’m afraid I got absolutely bladdered last night having sampled a couple of bottles of wine the producers had sent over ahead of our wine club feature next week. I had intended to sit down for half an hour and read the next book for the book club but Judy didn’t finish rewiring the lights in the study before the plonk had began to have its devilish way with me. About the only thing I remember about the evening is waking up around midnight, sitting in the shrubbery and trying to breastfeed a garden gnome. Judy carrying me to bed was the last thing I remember.

The moral of the story is to beware drink but there’s a lesser moral about avoiding gnomes. Those sharp beards can seriously damage a man’s nipple.

This morning’s interesting fact is about wine.

Did you know that wine is the only alcoholic drink that it’s legal to sell to Eskimos without a license? The reason for this is that there are very few vineyards inside the arctic circle, so the Inuit elders have never got around to create a law covering the fermentation of the grape. So, if you ever want to entertain an Eskimo, or who knows, need to get one drunk, wine is the beverage of choice.

Another interesting fact. I once got an Eskimo drunk. True story. I was due to film a segment about the seal cull for Granada Reports back in the 70s when our cameraman was struck down by a spastic colon and had to be airlifted back to Iqaluit. That was an ordeal in itself. Never hope to be standing in the down draft of a helicopter when the cameraman being winched to a helicopter get struck by an attack of the diddly-squits… But that’s a long story and better left for another day. I can no longer hear the noise of chopping. I guess Judy has finished cutting the day’s logs for the fire.


Swearing Mother said...

Richard. I think there could be a subject for your next post in here somewhere - "Releasing your Inner Igloo" maybe? Either that or you could perhaps explore your obvious thing about eskimos. And garden gnomes. I was hoping for some interesting facts about whale blubber, but I suppose wine trivia will do.

Next time you decide to breast feed anything made of concrete, can I suggest a quick wipe of Vaseline first? It's amazing how this old fashioned remedy can prevent uncomfortable chafeing.

With very best wishes.

Miss Understood said...

I'd have thought an eskimo would be more inclned to go for a hot chocolate?

Let me know what kind of wine it was. I'll have to get some!

Richard Madeley said...

Swearing Mother, good advice but, sadly, I was drunk. I lacked the foresight to take a tin of vaseline with me. I've solved the problem this morning by getting rid of the gnomes. They don't have a place in a Madeley garden and I've told Judy that I won't stand for it. I might even mention this again on air tonight.

Miss Understood (I'm sure you're not, by the way), it was a cheap Bulgarian wine. I couldn't spell it for you but it has three 'z's in the title. Actually, Eskimos are allergic to chocolate. A little known fact but true, nevertheless.

Flowerpot said...

I'm still waiting to hear how you got this poor teetotal drunk, Richard? Was it before or after the damaged colon? Mind boggles. As everything else. How come eskimos are allergic to chocolate?

Richard Madeley said...

Good question, Flowerpot. Eskimos are allergic to chocolate for exactly the same reason why Pigmies can’t whistle: they lack the critical genes. In the case of Eskimos, they are allergic to all beverages made from the cocoa plant. They can, however, ingest raw seal blubber, which you or I would find impossible. Nature has a way of evening things out. Pigmies have a gene that gives them an overly soft-upper palette, making it impossible for them to whistle. They are very adept at needlework, though.

Swearing Mother said...

Richard, not that I really doubt your authenticity but I am recording your show later to see if you mention garden gnomes. If you do, then I know you're the real thing and not a cheeky imposter.

Yesterday while your show was on I had to pop out to the shops and today may have need to go and post a letter (busy, busy me), so I might miss any reference to your ex-breast-feeding concrete friends.

I hope they were humanely destroyed.

Richard Madeley said...

I used a shovel.

I really with you wouldn't doubt me. I'll try to mention the gnomes but we have so much to fit into a packed show. I've also been warned about ad libbing. It makes Judy very cross.

The thinker said...

Well Honestly Richard - you couldn't make it up! Could you?

I'll be taking my encylcopeadia britannica[s]-all 28 of 'em - to bed tonight to check on all these FACTS!

I mainly popped in to say a 'gracious' thank you for the link on your blog roll. And to thank you for your rather grudging thanks you left on mine. I'm sure you didn't intend to sound patronising. Just as I'm sure that having my link has helped you to soar in to the bloggers' stratsphere so speedily. And now that you are only one link away from the 'wife in the north' [via Rilly super] I'm sure it wont be long before you have a book deal and a new Channel 4 series.