Friday, 27 July 2007

Forget About The Sparrows

A brief note just before I go on air. I've been forced into a rethink about the sparrows. Not that I consider them any less of a danger than I did 24 hours ago, but I’ve come to the conclusion that there are more obvious and immediate threats to this country of ours.

Yes, people. I’m talking about plastercast garden gnomes.

The garden gnome is a sneaky creature. It lurks in your shrubbery, waiting for that moment when you’re so drunk you think it a good idea to play football with the shrubs while you're wearing only your house slippers. Only then does it leap out and attack your large toe and you end up hopping across the lawn where you trip on a sprinker faucet. Only half an hour later, when you’re rescued by your wife, do you realise the danger of the gnome and do you pledge to do something about it.

So, I’ve decided to cancel the sparrow campaign and I’m instead devoting my time to seeing the end of garden gnomes. It’s a bigger issue than either viewing figures or Paul O’Grady.

Richard’s gnomish fact of the day: garden gnomes were introduction into the nation’s gardens during the reign of Queen Victoria who was a great believer in the existence of pixies, elves, and hobgoblins. The first gnome was modelled off Victoria’s great friend, Mr. Brown, and first stood guard in Britain’s rockeries in 1894. Since 1961, all garden gnomes have been modelled of John Hewer, who was better known to TV viewers as Captain Birdseye.


The thinker said...

As you can see I missed the R & J programme again - so couldn't see if you were passing signals to us fellow blogging pals.

You are a fount of amazing knowledge - I'd never thought of Queen Vic as a gnome admirer - apart from her Mr Brown [aka Billy Connolly].

I hope now you've finished work for the week you'll be able to help Judy with some of the chores.

Swearing Mother said...

Richard. I wish you'd make your mind up about which campaign we are doing. I've just spent the whole afternoon catching sparrows with a big net, prior to our first innoculation session. By my reckoning we would have earned about £65, minus £3.50 for the net and £2.50 for the surgical bandage I needed for my sprained ankle. I won't charge for the Savlon I bought to soothe the peck wounds. Or the eye-patch.

Really, Richard, you must be more considerate. To be honest,I don't think I am very motivated about eradicating the gnomes, they seem pretty harmless to me. Either you should stop getting so drunk or wear steel toecapped slippers.

Yours indignantly.

PS love to Judy, her hair looked particularly pretty today.

Lizzie said...

May I just say (incognito BTW) that my son-in-law's ex wife was, is, one S.Birdseye. Yes it really is true Richard. The Birdseye family are alive & well & living in the frozen wastes of... somewhere around Bristol. (Rumour has it that they are now heavily into cyrogenics (don't know how to spell that or even if it's the right word.) So he knew where to find a frozen fish fillet or wonder they're divorced.

Lizzie said...

Swearing Mother: - I do so agree. Consideration is everything. TV is not what it used to be. Bring back Cliff Michelmore I say.. ( Plus the Potter's Wheel/Fluffy Kittens/Fish in a tank and Muffin the Mule.)

@themill said...

While I am amazed that Judy would allow anything quite so crass as a gnome in her garden I really can't see you in house slippers. You are very lucky to have her - if that had been my husband I would've left him there to make up for all those nights when I had to sit up breast feeding.

Richard Madeley said...

Oh, you all make me laugh. So funny.

Thinker: I did wink out in morse code. It's the best I can do until Judy takes to the idea of my blogging.

Swearing: I'm erratic. Sorry about the sparrow business, but there's no harm done except to your ankle. It will put the sparrows on guard and they might be more careful in future. (I told Judy she looked lovely but she's caked in plaster from redecorating the hallway and thought I was being funny).

Lizzie: I think you're pulling my leg. If you're not, you need to check if he's of the real Birdeye family. He could be monied. As him what's in his breadcrumbs. If he won't tell you, he's a genuine Birdseye.

@themill: not many people know the real Judy. She had a thing about garden gnomes a few years ago and they now lay siege to the house. I'm surrounded by them and in the dead of night I swear I can little gnomish bugels blowing as they practise their military manouvers around the house.

Flowerpot said...

ever heard of a conspiracy, Richard? the uprising of the gnomes? Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the garden....

Miss Understood said...

Do you have a pond Richard? I've heard that the majority of gnomes can't swim (they were born without the swim gene) so death by drowning is probably the easist way to eradicate them.

Don't, however, attempt this with sparrows. I've tried it, and it doesn't work.

Lizzie said...

Richard, pulling your leg I am not. HE is not rich - his ex-wife IS. S.Birdseye is the mother of his only daughter. She gives me a guarded kiss about 3 times a year. I try not to spit cold peas 'cos she's a really sweet little girl, even if she does attend Badminton School.