Turning Off The Tranny

I got chatting to Danny La Rue after the show tonight and I asked him about all the dresses he’s collected in his career as the nation’s favourite transvestite. Turns out that he doesn’t like being called a transvestite and got pretty agitated when I suggested he was deluding himself. In the end, Judy had to drag him off me.

That’s the thing I’ve discovered working in TV for all these years. People don’t understand who you really are. They don’t get chance to know you. I think that’s why people often tell me I’m a bit of a loud mouth with nothing between my ears. The same people show their ignorance by asking if Judy’s a transvestite but I just say she’s just big boned. I’ve never fancied dressing up in women’s clothing, myself, though I did once attend a fancy dress party wearing a milk maid’s costume. It was stupid. I’m lactose intolerant. A leakage of buttermilk gave me a rash under my right churn.

But enough about me and buttermilk. Here’s today’s fact.

Did you know that transvestites are three times more likely to suffer an allergic reaction to a bee sting than men who don’t dress up as women? The reason? Well, not only do they dress up in bright colours which will attract bees (and, I might add, sailors) but the chemicals inside perfume are not suitable for a male’s dermis. It leaves the male transvestite much more likely to have a toxic reaction to a sting. Additional transvestive facts: they are 50% more likely to be stopped by the police for drunk driving but three times less likely to commit an armed robbery. I suppose, like most things in life, it's a matter of swings and roundabouts.