Tuesday 5 February 2008

Tight

I can’t write today. My brain wheezes along like a wheelbarrow full of asthmatics and it feels like we’re approaching a hill.

Dave Gorman is on tonight’s show so I’m gripped by this morbid fear that he’s going to outshine me. I had the same worry when Aled Jones came in the studio and we sang hymns together. Of course, on that occasion, my fears were groundless. Since his testicles dropped, Aled’s not been the singer he once was, while I’ve developed quite a fine voice which some compare with that of Pavarotti in his prime.

My fears that day were also related to my phobia of the Welsh, but, today, it’s my fear of comedians. I have the same problem when Charlie Brooker’s in the building. My sphincter goes so tight that I can’t even get a pencil up there. Luckily, I can think of only three reasons why I’d want to put a pencil up there and none of them involve either Judy or the sofa.

In order to get my brain working, I’m going to go and have a warm bath. It should relax me before the show. I’ll try to write you something for later on.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I’ve developed quite a fine voice which some compare with that of Pavarotti in his prime.

Pavarotti? Damn. I'm sorry, mate. ; ) I'm sure they didn't know what they were talking about.

AxmxZ said...

"My sphincter goes so tight that I can’t even get a pencil up there." - now, do you mean you *couldn't* get a pencil up there or that you tried and failed?..

Selena Dreamy said...

I can’t write today. My brain wheezes along like a wheelbarrow full of asthmatics and it feels like we’re approaching a hill.

You need to relax, honey. After you've had a bath, come and see my new post on online dating...

xxx

Uncle Dick Madeley said...

Hope, you've clearly been affected by that clean Finnish air. I can assure you that I have an excellent singing voice. The person who compared me to Pavarotti was the same person who discovered Max Bygraves.

Ax, I couldn't but I've tried. Why, I prefer not to say but it wasn't for the purpose of sharpening it. It was sharp already.

Selena, I've done just that and feel much more relaxed. In fact, I don't know when my sphincter last felt this slack.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your old entries and I'm not sure what to believe anymore, to be quite honest. Let's just say that I'm just glad you didn't fall asleep while having that bath of yours...

lee said...

Only three reasons?