It's been a particularly profitable week in the world of odd search terms. Google have been sending people my way looking for everything from haemorrhoid creams to naked historians. As is my habit on a Saturday, I'll try to explain why I think people search for these phrases or I'll give you such a learned commentary that you'll feel obliged to take an evening class at your local college where you'll become involved in a mad passionate affair with your tutor, leading you to a mad flight to Brazil where you'll find yourself alone and penniless and picking up tricks in downtown São Paulo. Eventually you'll meet a eye-patch wearing German doctor who offers you sanctuary in exchange for strange sexual favours involving a Peruvian midget called Hector. After months in the heat, listening to Edith Piaf on a scratchy gramophone while having treacle licked off your knees, you will eventually earn enough to pay for a flight home, an older, wiser, and sticker person. But you'll thank me for it in the end. Enjoy.
Tips to get a good tan
After you've covered yourself in sun cream, smear yourself with real butter. David Dickinson taught me this one so you can imagine it's as top a tanning tip as tanning tips can get.
Is Louie Walsh rich?
Yes. He's the richest man in Ireland. In fact, he's so rich he doesn't keep all his money in the bank. He plants little bags of coin beneath mushroom rings across the county of Tipperary.
Richard Madeley impressionist
I'd sue if there ever was one. Not that I don't see the appeal of pretending to be me. You would be loved by woman and feared by children and old people.
Dennies Richards nude [sic]
The spelling mistake makes this a tough one to call. There was a time when any red-blooded man would search for Dennise Richards before retiring to bed every night. Then she married Charlie Sheen and she lost her sexy. However, if you were searching for Denis Richards nude, that's a different matter. There was a historian called Denis Richards but I don't think he ever posed in the nude except for the cover photo of his 1945 biography of Thoreau.
The French they are a curious race
France is full of some of my favourite people, though many of them lost their sexy after they married Charlie Sheen.
Tunisian word for 'whore'
The word you're looking for is 'qattous', which, roughly translated, means 'everybody loses their sexy after marrying Charlie Sheen'.
Richard and Judy cushion
You wouldn't believe the number of times I've been asked if we have any cushions in our range of Richard&Judy merchandise. It's easy to see why some of you would only feel happy sitting on my face.
Richard Madeley is annoying
Guilty as charged but I like to think of it as a nice version of 'annoying', easy to warm to like my slight eccentricities like keeping a wild Bill Oddie in the house and my incessant need to promote the blog of a man much greater than myself.
Sexy Vanessa Feltz
Well, that's it then. The End of the World as predicted in The Book of Richard. When those three words comes together to form a complex statement like that, Doomsday can't be far behind. It's been nice knowing you. Do you think they have blogs in heaven? And do you think everybody will still read Iain Dale? And if so, why so?
Potted history of custard
Ah, the delights of a Daily Mail-type pun! What do you want to know about custard? Invented by the Romans, it was not until the discovery of the New World by Christopher Columbus that custard was flavoured with vanilla. In 2007 it finally eclipsed rice, becoming the world's most consumed food.
Robert Madeley Appreciation Society
One thing you can't deny about Robert Madeley is that he's not humble. Imagine creating an appreciation society to honour yourself!
Haemorrhoid Cream Sandra Bullock
Are we to read into this that Sandra Bullock has haemarrhoids as well as a comical last name? Are we to believe that this complaint might run throughout all the Bullocks? And might there not be a Bullock cream to alleviate the suffering? I would like to know.
Vintage Lawnmower Appreciation Society
Appreciate those vintage lawnmowers, appreciate them!
When are weekends in Tunisia?
Bloody good question. I rang the embassy and they tell me it's all day Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons after 2.
A.A. Gill Starbucks Cappuccino
Mr. Gill's annual report into the Starbucks' Cappuccinos is one of the most eagerly awaited reviews of the gastronomic year. 'Bloody awful' he declared in 2006. 'Somewhat milky' was his opinion a year later. This year's lucid commentary is 'frothy'. I can hardly wait until 2009.
Was Dennis Wilson circumsized?
I imagine at least one man called Dennis Wilson was.
Are prunes good for singing?
Yes. They increase your vocal range by doubling the number of orifices through which you can produce notes.
Why is Chuck Norris always happy?
Because he's one kick happy guy!
It's true. To mark his retirement, Michael Parkinson is launching his own range of chocolate, specially designed for people who can't chew sticky foods.
Jamie Oliver black eye
Poetry. Pure poetry.
Eric Clapton dentures
Sure you're not confusing him with Chuck Norris?
Is a man wearing a skirt wrong?
I should say it bloody well is!
Dave Dickinson paint jobs
This was news to me so I went down the road to ask him. I can now confirm it. David Dickinson has started his open painting and decorating services. His rates are reasonable so I've asked him to do our dining room. If you ring him, mention my name. He'll do you a 10% discount.