Last night I dreamt I went to Madeley again...
It was always going to happen. I'd eaten too much cheese at the Grosvenor Hotel, London, where I was attending the launch of our latest project. I always dream about myself when I've overdone it with the cheese. It is a little known fact that I am one of the few men to whom curd is a mild form of hallucinogen. Unpasteurised milk is known to make me very happy.
The event began in earnest at eight o'clock when we arrived by limo. Our PR people quickly ushered us onto the stage where we were to make the official launch. Though I say it myself, I looked a superior specimen of manhood in my crushed velvet evening suit with purple cummerbund. Judy radiated beauty in a crimson dress of my own design.
'Hand stitched,' I announced to the photographers below the stage as I lift up the hem of the dress to be sure the cameras picked up all the detail.
Once the bulbs stopped flashing and Judy has finished blushing, it was time for the speeches. With my usual reticence, I went first, ad libbing the whole thing.
'It's an absolute pleasure for us to be welcoming you here, isn't it Judy?' I said. 'We know how much you've all enjoyed our book and wine club. Last year we launched our cheese club which has also been a huge success and we hope that tonight's launch will see the Richard&Judy Nut Club become a national institution. A bit like Judy, really... I know Judy wants to say a few words but it falls to me to thank you all for coming this evening and to promise that, in the future, when you think of the Richard and Judy show, you'll think of nothing but nuts.'
It was then Judy's turn to say a few words. As usual, they were scripted and she'd spent the whole day memorising them.
'We know there are many people out there who, either through poor education or a scarcity of resources, do not eat nuts as part of their daily diet. With our club, we hope to make this country a nut loving nation once again.' She smiled at the crowd before somebody handed her a big set of ceremonial scissors and she cut the ribbon.
Unknown to the crowd, the ribbon was connected to dozens of sacks of walnuts and brazils hidden in the ceiling. Once Judy severed that cord, thousands of free nuts came raining down on the crowd. Unfortunately, before I could work out what the screaming was about and why people were calling for an medical help, I had to introduce the evening's special guest.
As you might know, only this Christmas, the pressurised shell of a walnut exploded in Ronnie Corbett's lap, leaving him with severe lacerations to his golfing tweeds and a fear of all large nuts. You can imagine the response of the crowd as Ronnie came out on stage. And when he cracked his first walnut since his accident, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
The rest of the evening was taken up with a healthy combination of wine, cheese, nuts, and the smell of antiseptic cream rubbed into minor bruises and grazes which as few claimed were caused by Judy's stunt with the ribbon. It was good to see our friends and family relaxing, sharing our love for good food. I hope you all will follow our example.
Details about The Richard&Judy Nut Club will be available shortly at www.richardandjudysnuts.com.