Saturday, 2 February 2008

Invitation to a Beheading

The good news is that I’ve got that job hosting ‘Eye of the Storm 2’. The producers had sent the confirmation via my agent and it only arrived today. The letter gave me the kind of relief I would describe as sexual, if that didn’t imply that I know what it means to have congress with second class mail. And, please, I want no filthy innuendos made about that line. There’s been far too much of that around here lately…

You see, this is a big moment for me. I’ve finally stopped taking my nerve medicine and I’m already beginning to see normality stretching out before me. No, I mean it… And thank God, too. A state of constant misunderstanding has existed between us for months.

Until tonight, I didn’t realise that some of you have been reading this blog in the mistaken belief that it was meant to be funny. I assure you that it wasn’t. Some of you have even been encouraging me to greater excesses, while laughing at a man who, in reality, has been suffering a nervous breakdown. No, don’t laugh. You all seem to have missed the point. I’ve been sick. The medication was playing with my mind.

Luckily, a few new visitors from the colonies saw through my drug induced miasma and diagnosed my problem. Lucky for me, they are viewers of House. That’s a medical drama and it clearly helped them recognise the symptoms of a man suffering the delusions of one who thinks he’s a friend of the Great Fry. A forum reader called Amysusanne was perceptive enough to witness the Emperor with his flaps a-hanging.
“I don't really get it either. I mean once, okay...whatever. But he seems to be beating this joke into the ground and I don't get the "funny" in it. I guess people are responding "LOL" favorably and it's egging him on? Who knows. Maybe there *is* some inside joke I'm not aware of, but otherwise it's just a little confusing.”

Whatever, indeed! Too damn right it is confusing. I’ll be glad to put these last few months behind me. Taking pain medicine with wine is not good. The doctors warned me that I might grow slight breasts, but never did I think they’d appear on my elbows.

Thank God too that He’s gone! Stephen is off to America. I’ll miss him and his spectral presence. But at least he’s over there where he can be canoodled by the febrile young things who are panting hot and ready to lay down their lives on behalf of a living legend in tweed. Being neither a comedian nor having a comedic bone in my body, I fully appreciate what His fans have to say to me. Were wiser words ever put in the form of a forum post than those typed by dear Warycary?

“I don't find it funny either - does Stephen? I think someone should up this guy's medication and prepare the restraints.”

Restraints, certainly! Medication? Perhaps not. I’ve been so high on the stuff it burned my eyeballs and I’ve been seeing Christ in my cocoa. And do you know what? I also don’t think any of this is funny. Who was laughing? Not me. And not Stephen, I’m sure of that.

Were I speaking to Stephen Fry now, I would make this pledge to him.

I, Richard Algernon Madeley, being of unsound mind and addled intellect, do hereby swear that I will not write any more posts that attempt in any way to be funny. I revoke the codes, creeds, and ethos of the comedian and swear that I will uphold the good practises of the TV talk show host, without wit and without humour. I am not funny. Nor have I ever been funny. Funniness shall never be mine.

Thank the Good Lord who has let me see sense before the writs began to fly. To Mr. Fry, I can only express my apologies. In his name, I renounce comedy, blogging, and the words ‘Oddie’, ‘baboon’, ‘bassoon’, ‘elbow’ and ‘Nutkins’.

And God Bless America.

21 comments:

okbye said...

Congratulations on the job! I hope you got word in time to stop the tattoo process, it would be a shame to have Alan Titchmarsh on your arse for no reason.

As far as the rest, not all Americans are completely thick but we do have our doozies.

AxmxZ said...

Congrats on the job! Now quit this nonsense about never doing this again. I'll second okbye on us Yanks being a bit on the morbidly thick as well as morbidly obese side of things; you can't possibly mean that it will deter you! I say carry on until Fry himself shows up and waggles an admonishing finger in your direction.

bertas said...

Richard, I meant to leave this is for my blog to make the announcement, however desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'll be in England in March and if you dont see some sense now, I will be forced to find you and knock some sense into you... tssss Honestly! Are you mad?
I only have 4 days so please I'd rather spend them enjoying myself then giving you a stern talk...

Also to be honest, I'm quite offended... does this mean you value the opinions of people who are not even your regular readers over us who keep telling you again and again we find your posts a delight to read? Tssss

bertas said...

Oh and Ax I forgot did you manage to find that episode of QI? :)

hope-athlete said...

I want to congratulate you for your job before going away until my google alert brings me back perhaps somaday. That being the least I could do after my previous posts.
Take care of yourself!

The Twitch said...

Glad to see the horse head in the bed trick worked for you Dick. Humour scares no-one....it pays to be hard. Now go and kick some fucking ass as they say in the U.S. of A...you never know...one day you may be as big as that filthy fucking farmer... Gordon Ramsay....

mutleythedog said...

I don't quite understand what you are saying here. I think Messrs Fry and Odie have a lot to answer for, they seem to have been bullying you again! If I were you, I would take a firm stand against them and continue to arouse us with your passionate diatribes on the state of society today. I think of you as a kind of guru - and where would I be without you oh master?

mutleythedog said...

I see! I should read the links before posting shouldn't I? People have been discussing you on a forum and they seem to think you are a bit mad. Well whats new? We have been discussing you on the VW Lupo owners forum for months...

Richard Madeley said...

Oh, you all take me at my word and you really shouldn't do that.

Okbye, thanks for the congrats. I wouldn't say all Americans are thick. It's just some of you miss the subtlety of my English humour.

Ax, of course it won't deter me. You mustn't believe everything I write. It's my passive way of being aggressive.

Bertas, of course I value your opinion. I've been doing this long enough to see that enough people enjoy it. The fact is, I'll always have my critics and, so long as I've got people who enjoy it, I really don't care about the rest. Criticism is very easy. Writing 2000 words a day isn't.

Hope-athlete, thanks and you must come back. I'd even write a special Finnish post just for you.

Twitch, I think we need to put you back on the medication. You know I'm a prude.

Mutley, it's strange how they talk about me over there. I'm the sanest individual you could ever hope to meet. As for the VW Lupo forum, I blame them for starting the rumours about my sanity and my loose fan belt.

The Twitch said...

yes...yes...more medication..thats exactly what I need....

elberry said...

Goddamn American know-nothings, the swaggering mindless brutes of the world, making unprovoked war in order to impose their pseudo-culture of bullshit on anyone not yet given over to the filth of McDonalds and Starbucks. These stupefied nobodies are devoid of irony, intelligence, wit, discernment, generosity, courtesy. They are the Daddy Burger-eating offal of the human race, foul beshitten maggots putrefying in their own sump juices, and THEY would dare pass judgement on the Old World?

To hell with them. Fuck them all, fuck them sideways! Fuck them in the ear! Fuck 'em in the other ear!

They, Dick, are not gentlemen. Their opinions, therefore, do not count. If you met them in real life, trust me, you would thrash them aside with your gentleman's cane, or perhaps your lackeys would simply beat them aside with whips, as they deserve, driving them into the filth in the gutter, where Americans belong.

elberry said...

Though obviously i'm not anti-American or anything.

lee said...

Oh, why doesn't elberry say what he really means instead of beating about the bush? :)

Algernon? Ah, that kills me.

Lola said...

Congratulations on the job. The Leamington Observer will be gutted.

Richard Madeley said...

Elberry, you have to forgive me. I've been mildly catatonic since reading your comment. I couldn't possibly comment beyond saying that I think you're absolutely correct in everything you say.

Lee, he is a bit on the fence, isn't he? It's his way but I am trying to make him be more forceful in his opinions...

Lola, I'm still hoping for a bit of work on the Leamington Observer. It's the nature of we celebrities that we never turn down work.

407 said...

Oh, Richard. You pimped my site. That's fantastic. Seriously, I can now die happy. Or, at least, my Mother can. Either way, thank you.

Of course, what with my being English, House's House of Whining is technically Brit-owned. It is, naturally, overrun with Americans, but they're all fantastic people. Just so you know.

- 407

Richard Madeley said...

407, they are lovely people. As you might know, I'm a friend to all, without a bad word to say about anybody. However, I'm avoiding your site for the moment because I don't want to read the bad things that people are saying about me. Just because I'm famous, it doesn't mean I don't bruise easily. Judy was prepared to call Stephen in to help negotiate a truce. Is that what you want? The Great Man parachuting into your back garden with his portable Scrabble board for a winner-takes-all contest?

407 said...

It's ok, Richard - I understand. The Whiners are opinionated, what can I say?


And quite frankly, if Judy were to find a way to get Stephen Fry to parachute into my garden, I would probably be forced to erect some sort of shrine to you both. Seriously, the last time I was around Stephen Fry, it was like I'd degenerated into what my six-year-old self would be like had I been personally introduced to Barbie. I can't even find it within myself to be ashamed or embarrassed of my behaviour - it was fantastic.

hope-athlete said...

But wouldn't it be very effective way (parachuting Fry into the warzone) to have the kind of truce you'd want, Richard? I think most people who are lucky enough to meet him would sell their youngest child to him if he'd only ask.
It'd be the kind of element of surprise the opposite wouldn't expect the least. Soldiers would be going "F***! It's Stephen Fry! May I have your autograph, sir?" and Stephen would say "Will you stop talking shit about my friend?" "Yes. Yes, sir! I swear. Just please, sign my Hippopotamus!"

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