Sunday, 17 February 2008

Good Heavens! Gnats and Transvestites on a Sunday!

If somebody hadn't typed 'do gnats have feelings' into Google or I hadn't been forced to intercept misdirected visitors looking for 'blogs for men attracted to transvestites', I might not have updated today. Search engines bring in such a range of people with unusual tastes that it's hard to know how I should respond to them. Yes: gnats have feelings. In fact, they are very sensitive to criticism. No: I don't know any blogs for men attracted to transvestites. Nor do I know of blogs for men attracted to gnats or whether transvestites have feelings.

I do know that I'm very busy preparing myself for two tough days of voice-over work. Unless I can hammer out a few words when I get home late tomorrow night, you shouldn't expect to hear from me until Wednesday. This is the price we must pay for ensuring that crusts are earned, nests feathered, livings made. I might get Denis to write something in my absence but, after his first attempt, I'm wary about giving him the blog's password.

If gnats, transvestites and one-armed assistants aren't odd enough for your Sunday, I've had an email to ask that I help promote the campaign to award Petula Clark a damehood. Although I don't own any of her records, I do know that she recorded a few of Serge Gainsbourg's songs and, by doing so, helped promote the work of my hero and role model. For this reason alone I think she deserves recognition, though you might want to recognise her for founding one of the best high street shoe shops.

While I was on the Downing Street website I tried to register a new campaign to reward Stephen Fry with a knighthood only to discover that a petition already exists.

I wouldn't mind but I'd already had my local graphic design company produce a logo for my campaign. I must now reconsider whether I should work to endorse the existing petition or start one of my own to have Bill Oddie recognised for the work he does on behalf of owls. While I'm away, I want you to give this some thought. I like the idea of making Bill this year's charitable cause but I fear that, although he's a bigger celebrity than Stephen inside the UK, Oddie would not reach out to an audience in the wider blogging community. I'm tempted to offer Jeremy Clarkson as a compromise candidate. What do you think?

17 comments:

letmerephrasethat.com said...

Stephen most certainly should be up for a knighthood, no doubt about it.

I feel That Man Clarkson should be recognised for the work he does, not only on the telly but with our troops too. However, I don't know whether it'd be good for his health.

If getting a doctorate from Brunel resulted in him having a pie launched at his face, I fear for what would be thrown at him if he was to be knighted.

The peasants don't seem to like him, sadly.

Richard Madeley said...

No, you make a persuasive case for That Man Clarkson. I'll give it some thought when I'm away. I might return on Wednesday to launch the campaign. Alternatively, I might leave it in Denis' hands.

Richard Madeley said...

I meant, of course, leave it in Denis' 'hand'. He gets so irate when I make mistakes like that. This is what happens when we're so shorthanded around the office.

Richard Madeley said...

And I didn't mean 'shorthanded' to make fun of him... I'm just rushed for time. I should be more careful about what I say.

Titch the Twitch said...

Good Heavens! I did'nt know Jeremy Clarkson is a transvestite...that explains everything.

AxmxZ said...

On first sight, the placard told me to "knit Stephen Fry". I vote for acrylic - it's not as itchy as wool.

okbye said...

Jeremy Clarkson would be one homely woman. Ugh.
Stupid petition wouldn't let me sign it. Silly British government only caring about what people who are actually citizens have to say.

bertas said...

The only person I wouldnt vote for would be that cheapskate Paxman... tssss
And you Richard amaze me, all the British I know are bloody PC, its annoying... :) So I'm surprised you are so insensitive to Denis...

letmerephrasethat.com said...

I"m sure Denis understands - though, I'm guessing we'll find out while you're away!

Has he thought about prosthetics at all? I hear you can get some pretty nifty interchangeable gadgets these days.

Perhaps he could be seen sporting a bandolier full of attachments?

okbye said...

I'm sure the fact that I have a temp of 103.3 F has something to do with it letmerephrasethat.com, but you would not believe the appendage possibilities that are running through my mind right now. Where's my medicine.....

mutleythedog said...

I would stick with Mr Oddie myself - I have just realised I have a book of his called "The Big Bird Race" and if he gets a gong it is sureto be worth a bit more on ebay!

ElizaF said...

but do you know of any sites for transvestive gnats attracted to men with feelings??

Selena Dreamy said...

I tried to register a new campaign to reward Stephen Fry with a knighthood ...

a worthy cause, indubitably, Richard, though quite frankly, after today's news, here’s my nomination for knighthood of the year. And the Booker prize.

Mohammed al Fayed!

He slowly ground his royal opponent into the dust, beating him hands down, verbally, and subsidizing his brave challenge with 12 years, nine hours and 45 minutes of uncompromising invective.

He might not have won his case, but the very outrageousness of his personal insinuations suggest to me that an interesting link is to be found between his conspiratorial observations and certain fundamental needs in the collective subconscious of the (British ?) people.

How will the media survive without him?

Dreamy

Richard Madeley said...

It's so reassuring to see all these comments waiting for me when I got in, despite that lazy effort called Denis failing to write something for me while I was out.

Titch the Twitch, as you well know: no man is less of a transvestite than Jeremy Clarkson.

Ax, we should all knit something for Fry. It would become a blog project to rival any.

Okbye, might I suggest that you take UK citizenship? Everybody's doing it these days and you do get to vote in these interesting but ultimately pointless polls.

Bertas, I'm not PC. I refuse to be PC. I'm not going to deny the fact that he's only got one hand. He can wear his prosthetic as much as he likes but we all know it's rubber. There's no use denying the fact. It wobbles whenever he waves.

LMRT, as I've mentioned, he does have a rubber hand but I refuse to allow him to wear it in the office. It makes me laugh too much.

Okbye, get to bed. You might spread those germs to me and I wouldn't be able to go into work tomorrow... Actually, let me think about that...

Mutley, Oddie is my choice. When I get time on Wednesday, I might launch the campaign.

Eliza, I'm sure there's a blog for that kind of thing out there. There's a blog for everything. I found myself on a blog for people who like to be spanked with ping pong bats last night. Ping pong bats!

Selena, I think he deserves a knighthood too. He's worked tirelessly to prove himself worthy of his British passport such as becoming a bona-fide British oddball.

The Twitch said...

" no man is less of a transvestite than Jeremy Clarkson"
Dick I think you have been decieved by Clarkson's blokesey banter on cars. He uses this carchat as a kind of beard to mask his feminity. In my opinion Clarkson has all the traits of a transvestite ....i.e. he has huge hands & feet, he is over six feet tall, he wears a silly wig....please don't tell me that granny perm is his real hair, his first name is Jeremy.

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