The Oddly Shaped Richard

You find me in something of an adults-only mood, today, and I suggest those of you who of a sensitive nature might like to turn away now. I’m moving straight into XXX rated material.

Have the innocents gone? Good. The rest of us can tackle (if you’ll excuse the pun) the more touchy subject of the male member. That’s right. Today I want to talk about balls, nuts, bollocks, dicks, penises, one eyed monsters, knobs, trouser snakes, willies, and what is euphemistically known in the Madeley household as ‘the butter monster’.

I wouldn’t normally write about this kind of thing but I’ve become frustrated by the number of taboo subjects that we’re not allowed to discuss at 5pm, even on Channel 4. First they wouldn’t allow me to raise the subject of those poor men born with less than seventeen inches and now they won’t let me mention Nani’s oddly shaped manhood.

If you don’t know the story or the lead characters, I can only direct you to the News of the World where you’ll be guided through the full tale in the company of the delightful Tyese and Gemma (above) who in no way resemble a pair of whores with faces like heavily made-up house bricks.

For those of you who prefer to skip the nasty detail, the story recounts the pleasant evening enjoyed by Manchester United footballer and last year’s Footballer of the Year, Christian Ronaldo, and two of his team mates, Nani and Anderson, along with some Leeds prostitutes. I read about the business in the car on the way to the studio on Monday and told Judy of my dismay that there had’d been more of a public outcry about the revelations. Only a year or so ago, Ronaldo was advertising the Suzuki Swift, the economical supermini. Now he's into escorts, and not of the type build by Ford, though looking at Tyese and Gemma, I'm not so sure...

I wondered about the declining state of morals in this country and my own rather old fashioned attitude towards three men, two women, a jacuzzi, and the sexual demands of a fat limo driver. I care not a jot about what consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own homes but this whole business sounds less like love making and more like monkeys getting horney in Whipsnade Safari Park.

Clearly, I’m a bit out of touch with modern morals and can't help but feel that the whole thing raises so many questions.

Tyese and Gemma complain that they weren’t treated with any respect. It has to be one of the oddest complaints by women who admit to having a credit card machine in one of their handbags. In fact, the more you read about it, the more this mound of writhing Premiership stars and Yorkshire hookers begins to resemble a Fisher Price Activity set. The only thing missing is a bell and the thing that squeezes playdough into funny shapes. Or perhaps that brings us back to the state of Nani’s oddly shaped knob.

What exactly do the girls mean when they say it was oddly shaped? I’d say it was oddly shaped if it looked like a telephone or a giraffe. Perhaps he’s done too many back flips and it’s tied itself into a knot. Or even funnier still is if it looks like Alex Ferguson. Without the detail, we can only speculate. Perhaps it’s the same shape of the Premiership Trophy.

And what kind of company can advertise itself as an ‘escort service’ while really running a prostitution racket? The answer is: a clever one. The company is sure to do plenty of business now that The Times and the News of the World have advertised it the nation. But this is how the company itself describe their service.

‘McKenzies model escorts also make ideal companions for dinner dates, afternoons sampling the delights of Manchester's many art galleries and exhibition spaces, or evenings at an award-winning production in one of Manchester's many impressive theatres.’

Are they being serious? Are there men out there who pay a woman £200 an hour just to walk around an art gallery? Do you think that either Tyese and Gemma know a thing about L.S. Lowry? I hate to leap to judgements but I really doubt they know oil paint unless they were asked to frolic naked in the stuff.

In order to calm myself down, how about some facts about penises? I’m sure you know that the most oddly shaped penis in the animal kingdom belongs to the pig which is actually shaped like a corkscrew. But did you know that it’s actually possible to take a cork out of a bottle with a pig’s penis? It’s true, though I wouldn’t advise you to try the wine. In certain Aboriginal tribes, the slicing the penis is considered a rite of passage but did you know that it also brings with it free tickets to one of nineteen different theme parks across Australia? Finally, do you know that the silly old rumour about Hitler having only had one testicle was disproved by the Russians who still keep all three of them pickled in a bottle in Moscow.