Thursday, 13 September 2007

The Right To Arm Bears

Guns. Guns. Guns. America is full of them. I didn’t realise how ubiquitous they were until I found one tucked under my pillow at the hotel. I rang down to the front desk to ask what it was doing there. ‘It’s complimentary, sir,’ said the receptionist. ‘It’s instead of the mint which we find makes the pillows a bit sticky in the warm weather.’

That’s how I found myself in possession of a semi-automatic and three clips of spare ammo. I didn’t know what to do. In the end, Judy suggested that I took it to the local police station. We got there before lunch and I handed in the gun. They told me they were glad to get it off the streets and I felt quite relieved until they gave me a shotgun back as a reward. ‘It’s part of our shotguns for handguns scheme’ said the sheriff. ‘We find that far less crime is committed with a shotgun on account of their being difficult to hide on the human body.’

So now I’ve got a shotgun and a hundred shells. Judy keeps giving me odd looks when I stand naked in front of the bedroom mirror and cock it. She thinks it’s all a bit unnatural. I just say that it’s the only chance in my life I might get to look like Charles Bronson. I don’t think she likes the way I keep saying ‘take that, you son of a bitch’ in a slightly lisping Lithuanian accent but I swear it will come in handy the next time we get an argumentative guest.

I still haven’t made up my mind about the shotgun. I might get rid of it before we leave for LA tomorrow or I might keep it as a souvenir of the holiday. In the meantime, here are some useful shotgun facts for you. Did you know that shotguns are the only type of firearm that haven’t been used in a political assassination yet they account for more artists, writers, and musicians than drugs? The shotgun used by Ernest Hemmingway in his suicide would now be one of the world’s most expensive had its owner not had the teeth marks repaired on the barrel. And did you know that shotguns are the only legal firearm in the UK so long as you’re either a farmer or a Tory?

4 comments:

Mopsa said...

They leave a hell of a bruise in your armpit though, even if you're a farmer. Wouldn't know about the Tory armpit though - aren't they made of iron?

elberry said...

Only one 'm' in Hemingway.

Apparently shotguns are unlawful in war, but were sometimes used by special forces and badasses in Nam. Although they have limited range, their power and spread makes them very useful in the right hands.

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