America. Land of the Free. Home of the Brave. And country of the quickie divorce. Actually, fourteen of them. Then I realised they’d included Judy in the deal so that’s why we’re now in Las Vegas. This morning, we were re-married by a Chinese Elvis Presley impersonator.
I'm just glad to be out of Utah. The holiday was becoming quite the social event. After getting my wives out of jail and ringing the show's producers to cancel the sofa for fifteen, I told the gathered Mrs. Madeleys that I intended to divorce them. They had a few things to say, so I told them a few facts of life. I explained how the wives of Richard Madeley would be under constant press scrutiny. They didn’t seem to mind that, so I told them of the heavy workload they’d be expected to undertake. They didn’t mind that either. So, I told them if they were all that happy with the arrangements as they stood, then we’d go ahead with this polyamous marriage. I got straight onto the phone with the producers to cancel the cancellation for the sofa for fifteen and to find out about the guest list for next season. The words ‘Elton John’s latest’ had barely crossed my lips before all fourteen wives started to demand a divorce. I didn't mind that but I was a bit put out that Judy was the most vocal. She just shrugged and reminded me about her allergic reaction to 'Rocket Man'.
Tomorrow we’re heading out into the desert so I might have some facts about sand lizards and peyote for you then. Today, it’s some little known Elvis facts. Did you know that Elvis was an expert in karate and often practised on any tramps who had accidentally wandered onto his Graceland estate? He once broke the collar bone of his great friend Howard Hughes, who his mistook for a tramp during a night-time walk around the grounds. Hughes was never the same again and became a recluse, with guards stationed 24 hours to protect him from Presley's deadly fingers. Did you also know that Elvis owned many animals? Visitors would often be greeted by a baboon swinging from the chandelier in the hall. When the baboon died, Elvis had it turned into a pair of shoes and often sang about his baboon suede shoes.