Tuesday, 4 September 2007

The Oddly Shaped Richard

You find me in something of an adults-only mood, today, and I suggest those of you who of a sensitive nature might like to turn away now. I’m moving straight into XXX rated material.

Have the innocents gone? Good. The rest of us can tackle (if you’ll excuse the pun) the more touchy subject of the male member. That’s right. Today I want to talk about balls, nuts, bollocks, dicks, penises, one eyed monsters, knobs, trouser snakes, willies, and what is euphemistically known in the Madeley household as ‘the butter monster’.

I wouldn’t normally write about this kind of thing but I’ve become frustrated by the number of taboo subjects that we’re not allowed to discuss at 5pm, even on Channel 4. First they wouldn’t allow me to raise the subject of those poor men born with less than seventeen inches and now they won’t let me mention Nani’s oddly shaped manhood.

If you don’t know the story or the lead characters, I can only direct you to the News of the World where you’ll be guided through the full tale in the company of the delightful Tyese and Gemma (above) who in no way resemble a pair of whores with faces like heavily made-up house bricks.

For those of you who prefer to skip the nasty detail, the story recounts the pleasant evening enjoyed by Manchester United footballer and last year’s Footballer of the Year, Christian Ronaldo, and two of his team mates, Nani and Anderson, along with some Leeds prostitutes. I read about the business in the car on the way to the studio on Monday and told Judy of my dismay that there had’d been more of a public outcry about the revelations. Only a year or so ago, Ronaldo was advertising the Suzuki Swift, the economical supermini. Now he's into escorts, and not of the type build by Ford, though looking at Tyese and Gemma, I'm not so sure...

I wondered about the declining state of morals in this country and my own rather old fashioned attitude towards three men, two women, a jacuzzi, and the sexual demands of a fat limo driver. I care not a jot about what consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own homes but this whole business sounds less like love making and more like monkeys getting horney in Whipsnade Safari Park.

Clearly, I’m a bit out of touch with modern morals and can't help but feel that the whole thing raises so many questions.

Tyese and Gemma complain that they weren’t treated with any respect. It has to be one of the oddest complaints by women who admit to having a credit card machine in one of their handbags. In fact, the more you read about it, the more this mound of writhing Premiership stars and Yorkshire hookers begins to resemble a Fisher Price Activity set. The only thing missing is a bell and the thing that squeezes playdough into funny shapes. Or perhaps that brings us back to the state of Nani’s oddly shaped knob.

What exactly do the girls mean when they say it was oddly shaped? I’d say it was oddly shaped if it looked like a telephone or a giraffe. Perhaps he’s done too many back flips and it’s tied itself into a knot. Or even funnier still is if it looks like Alex Ferguson. Without the detail, we can only speculate. Perhaps it’s the same shape of the Premiership Trophy.

And what kind of company can advertise itself as an ‘escort service’ while really running a prostitution racket? The answer is: a clever one. The company is sure to do plenty of business now that The Times and the News of the World have advertised it the nation. But this is how the company itself describe their service.

‘McKenzies model escorts also make ideal companions for dinner dates, afternoons sampling the delights of Manchester's many art galleries and exhibition spaces, or evenings at an award-winning production in one of Manchester's many impressive theatres.’

Are they being serious? Are there men out there who pay a woman £200 an hour just to walk around an art gallery? Do you think that either Tyese and Gemma know a thing about L.S. Lowry? I hate to leap to judgements but I really doubt they know oil paint unless they were asked to frolic naked in the stuff.

In order to calm myself down, how about some facts about penises? I’m sure you know that the most oddly shaped penis in the animal kingdom belongs to the pig which is actually shaped like a corkscrew. But did you know that it’s actually possible to take a cork out of a bottle with a pig’s penis? It’s true, though I wouldn’t advise you to try the wine. In certain Aboriginal tribes, the slicing the penis is considered a rite of passage but did you know that it also brings with it free tickets to one of nineteen different theme parks across Australia? Finally, do you know that the silly old rumour about Hitler having only had one testicle was disproved by the Russians who still keep all three of them pickled in a bottle in Moscow.


Glamourpuss said...

Maybe you should give the Daily Mail a call Richard - I'm sure they'd give you a column based on this post.


Dick Madeley said...

Glamourpuss, what makes me think that's not a compliment? I wouldn't even have thought that I'm Daily Mail-esque. I just wanted to say that Ronaldo is a dirty little sod who has a degrading attitude to women.

Of course, that's not to say that I wouldn't love my own column in the Daily Mail. I think I could do a better job than the lot they have now.

voicefromthevoid said...

Can you persuade Judy to have a nervous breakdown, stand up screaming and crying, then strip off down to her underwear?

I know it may be a bit traumatic to watch but your post has inspired me.

Dick Madeley said...

Persuade isn't a problem. Prevent. Now that's a different matter.

Anyway, what have I inspired you to do? Read the Daily Mail or seek pleasures from women who carry credit card machines in their handbags? I thought this post would herald a new age of morality.

Ms Baroque said...

Dick, do you know, you've really made me think here. And I've realised something: the scoliosis could be massively improved if I get rid of that credit card machine out of my handbag! Between that and the laptop it's no wonder I'm in daily agony.

I must set up a paypal account...

Dick Madeley said...

Not you too, Ms. Baroque. What is going on with the world? Am I the only one to remain chaste and pure?

lady thinker said...

Oh Ho - so this posting with all those words for male gentals makes me wonder if you are trying to catch a few google search customers to drop inadvertently onto your blog site.
Talking of Pigs bits I'm hoping that blog readers will support British Pig Farmers by signing their petition which can be found on :

Mopsa said...

A pig's dick is one of the hilarities of farming. I waited til my six boars matured and hoped (how sad am I?) that I would get a glance at the corkscrews before they were shunted off to the butcher. Did they oblige? Did they hell! I suspect that as I have always had mixed groups before that the boars were only too keen to strut their stuff. Being an entirely male group, they were probably worried about whose was largest and kept them hidden.

Ms Baroque said...

Dick, you have no idea what my credit card machine is for! See how easily you thought ill of me. One never knows when one might suddenly sell a poetry book.

Anonymous said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

Anonymous said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,