LAX

We’re flying home from LAX tomorrow morning, so this the last day of our holiday here in the US of A. We’ve also finally arrived in LA, where we had hoped to get a chance to hang out with many of our old friends who’ve made it big over here. Unfortunately, with all the delays caused by my polygamous marriages in Utah, we now won’t have time, though a few well wishers have sent us parting gifts. We hadn’t been in the hotel five minutes when a big bouquet of flowers arrived from Victoria Beckham. I thought it was a nice touch, though Judy couldn’t appreciate it. She was in the bathroom picking shattered glass from her hair and getting the smell of cordite from her clothes.

You might say that driving in from San Francisco had been an ordeal. Judy gets nervous driving on the right and she made a bad choice on the turnpike and we ended up in South LA. Luckily, the car was a rental so we weren’t liable for all the damage from the gunfire. I didn’t mention to the rental people that I’d smashed out the back window in order to return gunfire with my shotgun. I took out at least two gang members before Judy rammed the oil tanker.

It’s the side of Hollywood you tend to forget. Which is why I think I should end with some real Hollywood facts. Do you know, for instance, that the old Hollywood sign on the Burbank Hills has become so ridden with gunfire in recent years that it’s now been reinforced with Kevlar? And did you know that Hollywood legend Mickey Rooney is a distant relative of Wayne? In the recent hot spell, safety warnings were issued for the Beverly Hills area, telling residents to keep windows open because of the toxic fumes coming from all the plastic surgery reacting to the heat. Although the media covered it up and blamed an arsonist, a forest fire is widely attributed to Jane Fonda’s ear implants combusting in some wild scrub.