Richard Madeley's Lament on Departing Channel 4

Judy says that she's getting a bit worried that I’m slowly turning into Richard Stilgoe. She claims that these lyrical masterpieces will only end in tears, or if not tears, then with my becoming the regular musical guest on some Radio 3 light entertainment show. I’ve given her instructions to fend Andrew Lloyd Weber off with any means possible if she sees him approaching me for witty lyrics. However, I couldn’t mark the announcement of our departure from Channel 4 without penning a suitable verse.

Stephen Fry might refuse to publish his poetry but I have no shame. You may mock my poetry, you may laugh at its crude construction, but you can’t deny that it has words and truth. Lots of words and oodles of truth. And some of it even rhymes.

Richard Madeley’s Lament on Departing Channel 4

So long Channel 4, it was fun while it lasted.
But now wee Raj is crying, and Judy’s plastered.
Channel 4, you are fools, if you really cannot see
That you’ve lost the very best of people, in Judy and me.
I suppose you’ll now fill our old teatime slot
With Polish animations and films about Pol Pot,
Dozens of programmes aimed at Afghan refugees,
And men with overgrown nostrils and girls with hairy knees.
You never gave me chance, so I couldn’t really shine,
With my tap-dancing strippers show, for viewing after nine.
I could have been more arty, as edgy as the rest,
Smeared yoghurt over Judy whilst wearing an old string vest.
I could have danced on rollerskates, done a funny little mime,
Or made films on mermaids with Judy naked in the Tyne.
Why didn’t you cancel Hollyoaks and do us all a favour?
Don’t you know it’s twice as bad as that god awful Neighbours?
And do you think you can replace us, with that bloody Lilly Savage?
Don’t you know it’s a man? And he’s not got Judy’s cleavage!

© Richard Madeley, 2007