Thursday, 15 November 2007

Watching Autumnwatch With Bill Oddie

While it’s reassuring to see that your obsession with Judy’s breasts has lessened, there have been developments of a novel kind among the fair number of you who are Googlers. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. That’s right: I’m talking haemorrhoid cream. How the two things go together defies even the bounds of my seemingly limitless imagination but a number of you have been searching for ‘Richard & Judy’s haemorrhoid cream’. I should make it clear that despite the fact that this site ranks number 1 in the world for this search term, neither Judy nor I endorse any brand of haemorrhoid cream. We never have. However, if we were ever to give one our seal of approval, it would surely be the Korean favourite, ‘Bum Be Numb’, which is available only on import. Word of warning, though: don’t get it in your eyes on any pet to which the children have grown attached.

If that seems like an odd way to begin a post, it’s probably because you’re not familiar with the tricks of TV. Otherwise you would have immediately recognised that my opening paragraph was a cunningly crafted link to the subject of today’s post, which is indeed haemorrhoid cream.

My unhealthy and somewhat infantile obsession with randomly linking to Stephen Fry’s blog continued this evening but, once done, I turned the TV on and flicked over to BBC2. As you know, Bill Oddie is currently working on Autumnwatch live on BBC2. I don’t want that to mislead you, however. I was actually looking for Rick Stein’s latest odyssey through Italian food. Judy loves a good pasta dish and I’d settled myself down with a notepad ready to scribble down interesting uses for an pig’s congealed heart that’s been hanging in the pantry since last Christmas.

That’s why I was utterly disappointed to see that Rick wasn’t on and instead it was Oddie, sitting there and giggling as he does about some heron that had fallen over. Then there was a film about deer, some jaw ache about pigs, before it was back to Bill with his night vision camera. Then it descended into farce. He wouldn’t stop going on about beavers and chuntering to himself about his having made a rude joke. It left me completely bewildered as to how the man keeps his job.

After the show was finished, I turned to Judy and commented on his poor performance.

‘You should give him a call and tell him where he’s going wrong,’ she said from the armchair where she was reading Nabokov’s ‘Pale Fire’.

Well, it was either that or talk to Judy about Nabokov’s clever blending of metanarrative and paratexts and since I know Bill’s mobile number I thought I’d give him a call.

‘Oddie,’ he said and gave a whistle. That’s how he answers his phone. Always ‘Oddie’ followed by a whistle. He always says it’s meant to be ‘Hello’ in sparrow but I think he’s just a bit strange that way.

‘Hello Oddie,’ I said and gave a whistle of my own. ‘Great show tonight but do you have to go on about beavers quite so much?’

‘Ah, Madeley. I’ve been wondering if you’d be in contact. Heard about the tiswas with Channel 4. I suppose you want to borrow money again?’

‘Nothing of the sort,’ I replied, determined that I wasn’t going to allow the man to get up my nose like he did the time he took his Wellingtons off in the back of the Range Rover. ‘I was actually wondering if you’re actually getting any viewers for this self-indulgent load of old haddock you’re calling a show. Do people actually enjoy looking down the gaping maws of baby chaffinches?’

‘Hey, leave the chaffinches alone,’ replied Oddie. ‘They sweet little things.’

I could have gagged. ‘I actually turned on hoping to get some good pasta recipes from Rick Stein. Bit shocked to see you, if I’m honest… Don’t suppose you know any good recipes for pasta and chaffinches?’

Judy looked up from her book and gave me a shake of her head. I think she was impressed.

‘Look,’ I said, as Oddie fell unusually silent, ‘I just wanted to say that both Judy and I are really proud of the success you’ve become, but as a professional presenter, you have to learn to keep still. You’re always fidgeting. You should learn to stop moving around in your seat. It’s very distracting.’

‘Yes, well,’ mumbled Bill. ‘I’ve been out watching owls.’

‘Owls? And what the hell have owls got to do with your fidgeting?’

‘Not very much, really,’ he said. ‘Only, I was in this churchyard and it was late at night so I sort of sat down on some cold gravestones to have my tuna butties and hot cocoa.’

There’s a confession you don’t expect to hear from an ex-Goodie. ‘You were sitting eating your supper on somebody’s grave?’

‘It wasn’t like that. I did it proper and respectful, like… The trouble is that those ruddy stones went and gave me piles.’

‘I should hope they did,’ I said giving Judy the thumbs up and then the universal sign for the piles. She just rubbed her eyes and hid behind her book.

‘I don’t suppose you have any advice?’ asked Bill.


‘Well, you deal with all that sort of thing. You know, personal problems. Men with enlarged whatsits and women who can’t get their thing to you know what…’

That’s when I explained to Oddie that neither Judy nor I endorse any haemorrhoid cream, though if we did it would surely be the Korean favourite, ‘Bum Be Numb’.

‘A word of warning, Bill,’ I said. ‘Don’t get it in your eyes on any pet to which you’ve grown attached. I should imagine that goes for chaffinches.’

He went silent as I believe he got Kate Humble to scribble down the name.

‘Listen Bill, if you’re ever in the area, pop in and we’ll chat. I’ve got some excellent tips about presenting.’

‘Funny enough,’ he replied, ‘I’m coming that way next week to do a film on voles.’

‘Fantastic,’ I said. ‘How does Tuesday sound? You could come around for dinner.’

‘Terrific,’ said Bill, who is always up for a free meal. ‘I’ll be there.’

I said my goodbye and threw down the mobile. ‘Excellent news,’ I said to Judy. ‘Bill’s coming for dinner on Tuesday.’

Judy lowered her book. ‘Does that mean I’m cooking?’

I waved down the very suggestion. ‘Nonsense,’ I said. ‘You can leave that to me.’

I picked up the phone again and dialed a number I rarely get chance to dial on account of my being a little in awe of the greatness of the man.

‘Rick?’ I said. ‘It’s Richard. Tried to catch your show tonight. It’s on tomorrow? Oh, fantastic! Listen, I was wondering. I’ve got Bill Oddie coming over for dinner next week. Do you have any good recipes for chaffinch? Perhaps in a pie?’


Glamourpuss said...

I've always thought Bill Oddie was a bit, well, odd. Even when he was a Goodie.


All Shook Up said...

Haemorrhoid cream is well known for reducing stress lines around the eyes and ttautening the skin, thereby giving the user a falsely youthful appearance.

Fancy people Googling you and Judy for it.

Anonymous said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

Anonymous said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,