Following on from this morning’s post and the recent discovery of this blog by the world's most authoritative expert on Bill Oddie, I’ve compiled my list of fifty ways to love the man. I now hope that Mrs. Featheringham is satisfied and will decamp from the bottom of our drive.
But before you read my list, I want to ask any of you out there if there is another blog that gives you this kind of information? Honestly, I don’t think you appreciate me half as much as you should. I see plenty of you dropping by, sometimes reading dozens of pages at a time, yet not enough of you email me or leave a comment to say: ‘Well done, Richard! I’ve been looking for a list of ways to love Bill Oddie for years, but I’ve never found one. Your blog is becoming a regular stop on my daily browse of the internet and I couldn't live without you.’ I need encouragement, people, and I don’t see it. Perhaps one of you might care to write a list of '50 Ways To Love Richard Madeley'? Just a suggestion...
Fifty Ways to Love Bill Oddie
1. Groom him. Bill is the only genuinely bearded celebrity in the UK.
2. Cuddle him. His height to width ratio cannot be beat.
3. Pat the top of his head. It’s only waist height.
4. Tickle his feet. He has two and, yes, they are soft and furry.
5. Rub his tummy. He has two and, yes, they are soft and furry.
6. Make him laugh. He loves a good owl joke.
7. Whistle to him. He’ll whistle back in the fashion of a lesser mottled bill shafter.
8. Make duck calls. He has webbed toes.
9. Sing the Funky Gibbon. He wrote it, sang it, but did you know that he is a funky gibbon?
10. Buy him a mobile phone. He refuses to have one because of the bees.
11. Varnish his knees. They get terribly scuffed twitching in the scrub.
12. Get him monstrously drunk in Chinatown. Again.
13. Roll him down a hill. He’s guaranteed to keep going.
14. Put him in the bank. Oddie is a high yield investment opportunity.
15. Buy him a puppy. His poodle juggling record has yet to be beat.
16. Feed him peanuts. He loves all nuts except for pecan.
17. Put him in a bird box. Make his dream come true.
18. Yank his chain. He wears one around his neck that keeps his flies up.
19. Pick cocoa pops from his beard. They rustle and frighten away the birds.
20. Humble him with Katie. Katie Humble is Bill’s kind of woman.
21. Hang him upside down from a coconut. He has special toes that can hold him there.
22. Reunite him with his earlobes. He has them but hasn’t seem them since 1968.
23. Feel his pain. Tell him not to worry. He is odd but oddly odd. He is oddly Oddie.
24. Follow his winter migration. He heads south, then a bit east.
25. Destroy the BT tower with a mutant kitten. He’s done it before.
26. Support Ipswich Town. They are his team and play his sort of football.
27. Buy him an illegally imported parrot. He’ll complain but grow to love it.
28. Wear a sleeveless jacket. He owns twelve of them and some even have sleeves.
29. Chase him. Poke him with a stick and call him ‘a custard’. He’ll thank you.
30. Tar and feather him. And then call him ‘sexy’.
31. Take the creases from his trousers. He is the most ruffled man in the UK.
32. Take him on holiday. He tans nicely.
33. Nuzzle his neck. But beware the burn.
34. Make him a brew. Biscuit on the side. Warm fireplace. Lovely.
35. Call him ‘Billy’. All his friends do. You can be his friend.
36. Buy him odd socks. Since he has very odd feet.
37. Threaten to trade him in for a Tim Brooke-Taylor. Just to make him love you more.
38. Cheer him up. He feels sad when he sees the last geese fly off for the winter.
39. Put a ring on his ankle with ‘Oddie 1’ written on it. Just in case he gets lost.
40. Build him a badger set. Oddie loves nothing more than a badger.
41. Pre-scuff his shoes. He hates polish and shine.
42. Rut with him in the fashion of deer. Aim low.
43. Clone him. We could all do with more Oddie.
44. Divest him of his illusions. He has many. Divest him of them! Divest him!
45. Put squirrels in his trousers. They can bury his nuts for winter.
46. Stick him up a tree. He hangs quite well and won’t drop in the cold.
47. Watch him through binoculars. He likes to be watched from a distance.
48. Sing light Italian opera to him. He won’t understand the words but he’ll enjoy the tune.
49. Budget for more little Oddies in the spring. Then put cameras in the nest to watch them hatch.
50. Just love him like he was your own special little fellow. He deserves it.