On Mobility Scooters

I was out posting another signed photo for a fan (I still have a few 4x10s left so email me a postal address and I’ll get them to you within 3 to 4 days) when I was clipped by a mobility scooter. Now, this isn’t the first time it’s happened lately but the indignation on the driver’s face was something extraordinary. Apparently, he was annoyed that I couldn’t walk fast enough through a shopping centre. He gave me a mouthful of verbal and sped off, weaving his way through the other pedestrian traffic, occasionally clipping them and giving them equal abuse.

What I want to know is why mobility scooters have to have more mobility than me? Excuse me for feeling a sense of injustice but it seems completely wrong that a loss of mobility should be rewarded with an extra five or ten miles an hour across level ground. People with prosthetic hands aren’t capable of crushing steel like some James Bond villain, so why aren’t mobility scooters capped at a reasonable walking speed? It’s not as if this extra speed is used for good. I’ve lost count of the number of times my rectum has been ramming by a pensioner using their walking stick as a makeshift lance. They fix them to the shopping baskets on the front of their scooters and deliberately aim for the midpoint of my buttocks. All that momentum directed through the one inch rubber end of a walking stick can do serious damage to a man’s trousers, let along what lies beyond.

And before anybody says this is a rant against disability or infirmity: it’s not. It’s a rant against the arrogance of some and the rudeness of many. The government need to sort this out. And if nothing’s done, I’m buying myself a mobility scooter and I’m fitting axel blades.