Transfer Season Speculation

Judy is to seal her move to Manchester City within the next couple of hours. I’ve been on the phone all morning with Mark Hughes, ironing out the details of what must be the most surprising transfer of the summer window. Crease yourself a wry one if you want but I’m told that Judy is integral to City's plans. Although I don’t rate her particularly highly when pushed any further up the field that central defence, I do accept that she’s deadly in the six yard box and, in these days of crazy money in football, it comes as no surprise that Judy will be working along the City forward line. Teams will shake when they see the attacking formation of Santa Cruz, Bellamy, Tevez, Adebayor, Robinho, Finnigan.

I will be putting the £72 million transfer feel into good effect. A cheaper replacement will come in to work beside me and I’ll be taking the Andy Roddick approach by new picking a partner out of a swimwear catalogue (see right, for the leading candidate in the lightweight division). I will also be spending a few million to buy out some of my favourite blogs and providing editorial input into what I want to see (more guinea pig posts, Bryan; not so many butterflies, Nige). Of course, a good portion of the money will go into taking back my toxic waste which the Brazilians now tell me they don’t want. I wish they’d make up their minds. I now face the problem of disposing of every soufflé and creamed desert we made on ‘This Morning’. There’s 1,400 tonnes of the stuff, which is far too toxic for landfill and too fluffy and light to dump at sea. I intend to spread the rest of the money among charitable causes. I’ll be supporting the arts, through sponsorship of poetry (here, here, and here), as well as giving money to Andy Hamilton so he can do nothing all year but produce more series of the devilish funny ‘Old Harry’s Game’, the final episode of which I have planned for my afternoon.