The Forgotten Man

The state of media intrusion in the this county is enough to turn a lesser man grey! I’ve just had to sedate Judy with an episode of 'Midsomer Murders' and a packet of Co-op Jaffa Cakes. The poor woman had suffered a shock which would have levelled even me had I not studied Buddhist mediation techniques during my time working for Radio Cumbria in the Far East all those years ago.

The shock came out of the blue. I checked my mobile phone about an hour ago and discovered eleven messages on the voicemail. Now, I don’t mean to boast but any one of seven messages would have added a few million onto the sales of tomorrow’s newspapers. A couple might have even raised questions in parliament and caused not one but three governments to fall.

Yet, apparently, while every celebrity in London has had their phone tapped, the Madeley mobile remains ignored. How difficult was it to guess that my pin-number was my inside leg measurement followed by my waist size: 3836?

It’s Judy I feel sorry for. I almost felt bad sending her up the telephone pole at the bottom of our drive to check that the line was tapped. Seeing the poor woman grip on with her thighs in this humid weather brought a lump to my throat. At first I thought it was pride but it was merely a touch of phlegm from shouting ‘squeeze your knees tighter, old girl!’

The outcome of all that effort – and the reason that Judy’s now in bed with John Nettles and a box of Jaffa cakes – was nothing less sinister than a deserted sparrow’s nest. Not a single bug, wiretap, or evidence of illegal surveillance.

I ask you: what is the world coming to when a man of my standing isn’t being monitored by the tabloids?

Well, Barry Madeley will not stand for it. I intend to write a letter of complaint to the ‘News of the World’ in the morning. I have a new career to fund and £700,000 pounds would have come in useful. Just think of how many boxes of Jaffa Cakes that would buy and double it since it’s ‘buy one get one free’ at the moment. However, even that is little solace at a difficult time like this.