Lobster Rash

Because we’re ‘holidaying’ (don’t ask – it’s one of Judy’s words meaning ‘a posh vacation’) here in the ‘Democratic’ People’s Republic of North Korea, I find that there’s nothing to do between indoctrination seminars other than to memorise the party line or watch reruns of ‘Jim Davidson’s Big Break’, which are strangely popular over here.

As a fan of neither socialism nor snooker, I wandered slowly around the compound this afternoon, bored to the far reaches of my considerable wits. That’s when it hit me. I was killing time (though, in these parts, it’s called ‘reprogramming time’) when I could be catching up with a little housekeeping at my Appreciation Society.
I don’t know about you but nothing makes me feel more like a imperialist lickspittle than reviewing the capitalist search terms that have come up in recent months. It’s been a while since I even looked at the statistics for this blog so I was surprised that the figures have remained high, mainly due to people looking for the phrase ‘classic usherette tray’ via Google.

Top Search Terms Used By My Western Imperialist Visitors

‘classic usherette tray’

And a ‘classic’ search term too. What can I say that already hasn’t be said about the ‘classic usherette tray’? It’s a design classic, performs the basic functions of a tray, and can be ushered or otherwise coaxed around the room, perhaps to serve nibbles or something immersed in a cheese dip.

‘casual swearing appreciation society’

A new bloody entry into my bleeding list but I’m buggered if I know why.

‘the real richard madeley’

People often come up to me in the street and say ‘is that really you?’ I reply: ‘of course it is’ and they walk away happy. I hope that visitors to this blog experience a similar sequence of anticipation, affirmation, and satisfaction.

‘helen chamberlain mobile telephone’

Who is Helen Chamberlain? Are they related to the Prime Minister, Neville?

‘claire balding wedding’

I attended it and had a fantastic afternoon, although I never got to meet the groom. After the buffet I discovered that I have a shrimp allergy. My earlobes became swollen and my throat constricted, producing an effect not unlike an Irish accent. That’s your trivia question for today. Which well known TV celebrity turns into Terry Wogan whenever he eats shellfish?

‘repeat of katy price's interview with pearce morgan’

It should, of course, be: ‘Katie’, ‘Piers’, and ‘Mogadon’.

‘lobster rash’

See my shrimp allergy.

‘prunella scales topless’

Again, see my shrimp allergy.

‘richard madeley book signings 2009’

I’ll be here and there throughout the year. But it would make my day if anybody could come up to me at one of my book signings and ask in a loud voice: ‘how’s your shrimp allergy, Uncle Barry?’

‘facebook jeremy irons appreciation society’

That’s just typical of Irons. He sees how my blog has been a success and he tries to copy the format. Well, I look forward to the day that he can lead his readers in belly dance lessons.

‘in a particularly bad summer, i eat nothing but cheese yet maintain a healthy tan’

We should all praise Cliff Richard for learning to use the internet but his lack of capital letters is worrying.

‘sunless tanning using gravy browning’

Again, his inability to find the SHIFT key is something they need to address in the care home.

‘judy finnigan teeth’, ‘katie derham legs’, ‘jeremy clarkson tits’

I’ve lumped these together since there’s clearly a theme. Lusting after the bodily parts of famous people is a normal part of human sexuality. In the days of my pimpled youth, I was regularly aroused by Fatima Whitbread’s armpits. These days, Stephen Fry’s flared nostrils are a great ‘turn on’.