Thursday 6 March 2008

The Effect of Gravity on Vanessa Feltz's Cleavage: A Case For Reconsidering Newtonian Mechanics

Today's toils have left me extremely weary tonight yet not so tired that I can't relay news of a fascinating scientific breakthrough. One of the many pleasures of writing a blog is to find like-minded souls out there who are willing to share interesting facts with me. Today it's the turn of 'Alan' who has directed my attention to something I've been tying to prove for many years: that Newton's laws of gravity are all wrong.

As Alan explains, this can finally be demonstrated by examining the motion of the tides:
"The sea is NOT pulled from the top but is pushed from the bottom. The pressure wave from the inner core propagates to the surface where the seabed rises by about a meter - this is what is seen by satellite. It is the motion of the moon which causes a huge amount of rotational energy to reach the Earth's crust which is the cause of the ocean tides we experience on a day-to-day basis."

Now, I find this news quite exciting. As Alan is good enough to point out: I'm quite well known for my "'maverick attitude' to modernism and science in general". Indeed, the main reason we've never had Professor Stephen Hawking on the show is that we disagree on string theory and the nature of black holes. Well, it's that and the fact we've never bothered to have a ramp installed in the Channel 4 studios.

However, irrespective of my disagreements with the man, I've often sent him brief notes about the profound insights I often have into the working of gravity. Mainly, I should add, they're about its effect on Vanessa Feltz's bosom. Many a night I've laid awake wondering if Newtonian physics can explain if her bosom swells from the top or is it merely a by-product of something that's happening down at her ankles? I've done my best to test my theories empirically by seeing how high her bosom rises if you stand on her toes. However, experimental data is limited since I've find it very difficult to get close enough to reach her toes. Which is why I once hired a midget to get under the enormous overhang. Unfortunately, the midget was too light and any effect of his standing on Vanessa's toes was negated by the strength of her red leather stilettos. Until the time comes when I can hire an obese midget (there aren't as many of them as you think and Oddie doesn't count), we'll never know the answer to this mystery...

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Gravity.

If Alan is indeed right and the sea bed does rise then it might well be that tides have nothing to do with the pull of the moon on the ocean's water. It leads me to wonder if this explains why it's often harder to walk home at night than it is to walk to work in the morning. Could I be climbing an additional few feet as the effect of the moon is brought into play? Might all bosoms swell at night? Do I always walk uphill in moonlight? Would it work if I hired two midgets to each stand on Vanessa Feltz's feet?

All interesting questions, I'm sure you'll agree. However, I'm in need my sleep so I'll have to leave it to you to work out the maths. I can't trust my own calculations when I'm in this state and I'm not totally sure that I'm making complete sense tonight.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dick...your current interest with midgets, vanessa feltz & quantum mechanics might be an effect of egg mayonaisse overdose. I "accidently" spilt some of my medication into the sandwich mix. I was going to warn you but you had scoffed them all before I had the chance and besides I did,nt want to spoil your trip. I have sent a batch of my egg butties to Prof. Stephen Hawkins in the hope they will help him unlock the answers to life...the universe...and Vanessa Felz bosom.

Anonymous said...

They are not bosoms Richard. Vanessa carries two bald midgets around with her under her clothing, as her internal organs packed in long ago due to her excessive drugs use and so they act as 'surrogate' organs for her...

Selena Dreamy said...

An inspired post, Richard, if ever I saw one. The fatigue has lightened your cerebellum and given leave to a welcome dose of levity. With the one reservation, of course: i.e. that I never found it easier to walk to the office in the morning than home at night. Though, admittedly, that rather dependent on who’s home I was walking to....

...and yes, there are times when gravity is not your friend. Vanessa has no option but to lean forward, and this carries serious risks. Standing on her head, on a sofa pillow, seems to be the safest and most sensible alternative. But falling over, quite frankly, is not the greatest danger. Far worse is being stood on by two bald midgets with baggy trousers and red noses. On the other hand, she’s lucky. There are various procedures available to her type which allow her to improve. For me, it’s not so easy. I'm done with self-improvement. The more I try, the worse I look. Which, to tell the truth, I think is getting perfectly rotten...

Dreamy

Swearing Mother said...

I think we've already discussed Vanessa Feltz's cleavage,Richard, and I still think it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Mu Tai Dong said...

She has very good cleavage- I dream to remove her clothing and massage her boobies with special light sunflowers oil.

lee said...

I don't know who Vanessa Feltz is so am not familiar with her breasticles.