Thursday, 6 March 2008

The Effect of Gravity on Vanessa Feltz's Cleavage: A Case For Reconsidering Newtonian Mechanics

Today's toils have left me extremely weary tonight yet not so tired that I can't relay news of a fascinating scientific breakthrough. One of the many pleasures of writing a blog is to find like-minded souls out there who are willing to share interesting facts with me. Today it's the turn of 'Alan' who has directed my attention to something I've been tying to prove for many years: that Newton's laws of gravity are all wrong.

As Alan explains, this can finally be demonstrated by examining the motion of the tides:
"The sea is NOT pulled from the top but is pushed from the bottom. The pressure wave from the inner core propagates to the surface where the seabed rises by about a meter - this is what is seen by satellite. It is the motion of the moon which causes a huge amount of rotational energy to reach the Earth's crust which is the cause of the ocean tides we experience on a day-to-day basis."

Now, I find this news quite exciting. As Alan is good enough to point out: I'm quite well known for my "'maverick attitude' to modernism and science in general". Indeed, the main reason we've never had Professor Stephen Hawking on the show is that we disagree on string theory and the nature of black holes. Well, it's that and the fact we've never bothered to have a ramp installed in the Channel 4 studios.

However, irrespective of my disagreements with the man, I've often sent him brief notes about the profound insights I often have into the working of gravity. Mainly, I should add, they're about its effect on Vanessa Feltz's bosom. Many a night I've laid awake wondering if Newtonian physics can explain if her bosom swells from the top or is it merely a by-product of something that's happening down at her ankles? I've done my best to test my theories empirically by seeing how high her bosom rises if you stand on her toes. However, experimental data is limited since I've find it very difficult to get close enough to reach her toes. Which is why I once hired a midget to get under the enormous overhang. Unfortunately, the midget was too light and any effect of his standing on Vanessa's toes was negated by the strength of her red leather stilettos. Until the time comes when I can hire an obese midget (there aren't as many of them as you think and Oddie doesn't count), we'll never know the answer to this mystery...

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Gravity.

If Alan is indeed right and the sea bed does rise then it might well be that tides have nothing to do with the pull of the moon on the ocean's water. It leads me to wonder if this explains why it's often harder to walk home at night than it is to walk to work in the morning. Could I be climbing an additional few feet as the effect of the moon is brought into play? Might all bosoms swell at night? Do I always walk uphill in moonlight? Would it work if I hired two midgets to each stand on Vanessa Feltz's feet?

All interesting questions, I'm sure you'll agree. However, I'm in need my sleep so I'll have to leave it to you to work out the maths. I can't trust my own calculations when I'm in this state and I'm not totally sure that I'm making complete sense tonight.

8 comments:

The Twitch said...

Dick...your current interest with midgets, vanessa feltz & quantum mechanics might be an effect of egg mayonaisse overdose. I "accidently" spilt some of my medication into the sandwich mix. I was going to warn you but you had scoffed them all before I had the chance and besides I did,nt want to spoil your trip. I have sent a batch of my egg butties to Prof. Stephen Hawkins in the hope they will help him unlock the answers to life...the universe...and Vanessa Felz bosom.

mutleythedog said...

They are not bosoms Richard. Vanessa carries two bald midgets around with her under her clothing, as her internal organs packed in long ago due to her excessive drugs use and so they act as 'surrogate' organs for her...

Selena Dreamy said...

An inspired post, Richard, if ever I saw one. The fatigue has lightened your cerebellum and given leave to a welcome dose of levity. With the one reservation, of course: i.e. that I never found it easier to walk to the office in the morning than home at night. Though, admittedly, that rather dependent on who’s home I was walking to....

...and yes, there are times when gravity is not your friend. Vanessa has no option but to lean forward, and this carries serious risks. Standing on her head, on a sofa pillow, seems to be the safest and most sensible alternative. But falling over, quite frankly, is not the greatest danger. Far worse is being stood on by two bald midgets with baggy trousers and red noses. On the other hand, she’s lucky. There are various procedures available to her type which allow her to improve. For me, it’s not so easy. I'm done with self-improvement. The more I try, the worse I look. Which, to tell the truth, I think is getting perfectly rotten...

Dreamy

Swearing Mother said...

I think we've already discussed Vanessa Feltz's cleavage,Richard, and I still think it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Mu Tai Dong said...

She has very good cleavage- I dream to remove her clothing and massage her boobies with special light sunflowers oil.

lee said...

I don't know who Vanessa Feltz is so am not familiar with her breasticles.

uhfdf said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

fgeegf said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,